routine

I make it an absolute necessity, at least once a day,

to drive down the very street that stole you from me.

a beautiful mess.

Yesterday, i really, really cried. You know those cries where the tears turn to sobs and your body shakes and convulses and your skin crawls and all you see is the liquid in your eyes. everything's a blur and you think you will never, ever get over this pain. you believe that you will feel this hurt for the rest of your life. it will be the end of you. those kind of cries are unbelievably necessary to me. i have them at random times. sometimes they are a matter of cause and effect, other times they wash over me like the ocean's current. unexpected, rocky and forceful. i cried like that yesterday. but today, i woke up with swollen eyes, looked in the mirror and began to smile. i drove my car with the windows down. i pieced the puzzle of myself back together. how is it that less than 24 hours ago i had a feeling of forever pain. and today, i was the most productive and accomplished i have been in a long time. it makes me wonder if that at times of extreme, i mean truly raw, unbelievable pain, is that just a day away it can transform you back to you? as if it's an angel touching your shoulder letting you know that things are about to change? its overwhelming, to cry like that. but it's even more overwhelming when you overcome the pain. that's when i believe in god. when i believe in guardian angels. at times when you think there is no tomorrow, a simple angel's kiss on your tear filled eyelids can prepare you for a transformation about to come. a fresh and newly pieced puzzle. not jumbled pieces scattered across the floor anymore. in the times of my cries like these ones, i always have overcome it. and i will continue to. overcome. prosper. and move forward. i promise the angel's kiss that i will move forward. fall down seven times, stand up eight, as my daddy always said.

Absence of Familiarity

As unlikely as it may seem and as puzzling as it feels,
I'm beginning to miss you sweetheart.
You seem so much further than the familiar 165 mile drive I used to travel.

The wheels on tables

Last night, I dreamt a familiar nightmare that took me to a place i hadn't visited in a long time. A place filled with angst and suspicion and despondency. A place where i was sickly in love, yet twisted with hatred. A place where he was the one who didn't want me. And i woke up frightened, surprisingly. I woke up, and the tables had whirled around once more. I wonder if that's all it will ever be about. We yearn for something, achieve it, then cast it away into the night as soon as we taste it. But as soon as that taste is previewed somewhere else, we race to it again. Will anything in this life remain constant? Or is everything a matter of the cat and the mouse.