mama

I need this back.
I need my mom.
I dream about her every time i close my eyes.
I long to talk to her, to laugh with her, to curse with her, to fuck shit up with her, anything.
Its been almost two weeks without my mom and she isn't getting any better.
She's resilient, like me, and extremely stubborn.
I need her smile in her voice as she talks to me
I dont think ive smiled since i last talked to her when she was healthy.
I can't feel anything without her, i refuse to live without her and i have come to find out that its physically impossible. Our hearts have grown so close that when she's not here, i'm not here. When she's not okay, neither am i. I worry beyond worry about her and i'm scared for her. for my baby brothers. I'm scared of being the oldest, and the closest thing my mom has. There's so much pressure on me because i literally am the closest thing to my mother that has ever lived. i need her back and i need her back now. i need her to help me make decisions that i have stupidly shoved in my back pocket for so long now that are, as i was warned, coming to the surface again. today, i cried in my pillow like a baby. i cried for my mom.

art

sweat

Today i lit a thousand candles in my apartment's living room and i meditated to pandora's "calm meditation" with my roommate. It felt great. Maybe this is God's way of telling me i need to slow down, all the things that have happened to me these past two weeks are a sign. This past weekend i have done nothing but lie in my bed and think. My mind has wandered to places i didn't even know it wanted to wander to, but i really liked it. I laid on the floor with my palms up and tied a scarf over my eyes, and all i did was breathe. It is now 2:45 in the morning, i just woke up drenched in sweat and went to the kitchen and ate some little bite chocolate chip muffins. I'm in a surprisingly great mood but i know i have to go back to sleep. This next week off of school and work is going to be long but i'm hoping i can get a lot of shit done. I want to read the books i bought at Border's last week, all of them. I want to paint my nails and toes and shave my legs.
The rash on my neck and face is slowly getting better, as is my paralysis. I think i'll be better within the next 4 or 5 days. It really feels alot better and i'm thankful. I keep imagining my face back to normal and i think the visualization is helping. I really fucking miss my mom man.
Back to dreamland. This writing thing really, really helps. I feel electric.

this place.

I don't feel here. I remember times when everything that happened to me knocked me out with feeling. I remember times i wasn't able to get over the smallest thing that happened to me. Everything was a big deal. Everything was dramatic. Now, nothing matters enough. Something huge will happen to me and i feel it, i'm affected by it and then the next day its done. gone.

All the stress that has been running through my veins about my mom has caused me to break out in a rash and for the left side of my face to become partially paralyzed. I'm on medication but it hurts. I can't smile and maybe that's a good thing tonight.

I have a pain in my ear and endless tears in my eyes and my body is tired. I miss my mom so much. I realized today that it is not only emotionally but physically impossible for me to go a day without speaking to her. She is my energy. She is my light. I long to talk to her and hear her voice and make her laugh and i can't. The woman who can never shut up can't even create a sentence right now and that kills me. I know the hospital is going to make her better, fix her up and send her home, but this is the first time that i'm not there. I woke up this morning feeling sick and strangely connected to her. It's like since i can't communicate with her, my body is making me sick so that i can go through this pain with her. She is alone, and I am alone. No matter what happens we are always together and always connected.

i want someone to hold me.

i want someone to hurt because of me.

i want someone to not be able to eat because of me.

i want someone to go insane because of me.

i feel so incredibly lonely, but for some reason... i feel as though this loneliness will soon end. i keep having these weird thoughts and revelations that i'm about to become extremely happy. i'm not sure why or in what way but i just feel like its the times where you are at rock bottom, i mean complete kick you in your shit dug deep down rock bottom, when something beautiful is about to happen to you. something you can't explain or even prepare for. the only way out is up and i believe that something brilliant is about to happen to me.

poison and wine

My mom is sick. yet again.
I'm scared that when she gets better that I won't be able to forgive her. I'm scared that she will want to talk about it and I won't. I haven't spoken to her in over four days. That's the longest i've gone without talking to my mom in twenty years. I'm scared that I will have to re-live this over and over and over again for the rest of my life. The anger i have towards her scares me. The words i am able to spit at her scare me. All i want to do is hold her. I'm scared that she will forever be scarred and that no one will be able to make her truly happy again, at least the way my dad and stepdad could. I don't exactly know what it's like to lose a lover to death or divorce but i do know what it's like to lose them to a messy high school whirlwind-like breakup. I know i am not even close to half of my mother's age but sometimes i feel so much stronger than her. Sometimes i feel like if i could just get inside her brain and her heart that i could fix her. God i wish i could fix her. I wish with all my might that i could repair every crack in her with my bare hands. I'd give her my cracks in exchange for hers. I'd rather feel the pain that she feels. I don't want my mom to ever shed a tear ever again unless it is of happiness and joy. I am so much more sad than anybody knows. I wish for my stepfather back every second of every day. Not a single, solitary day goes by that I don't wish for my mom to have Bruce back. I always thought that i would wish for tony back for the rest of my life, that everyday i would wake up wanting him as i used to for two long years. But i don't anymore. I don't even remember his face anymore.

If my mom could have Bruce back i think my life would be a thousand percent different than it is now. If he never died i think i, myself, would be a thousand times different. My world has changed in a way i never could have imagined. Most days i treasure that change. But weeks like this, where old wounds are re-visited and cans of warn out worms are yet again opened, i loathe it. Some days and incidents can bring me back to a horrible place that I have worked my ass off to come out of. A dark place that holds many of my most unkind memories i think i will ever experience. I work so hard, everyday, to be okay. And the funny thing is, the people that i see everyday would have no fucking idea. I guess it's in my blood to be an actress.

I got distracted, more later.

vibes

A lot of times i worry that I come off as angry.
Like i'm a negative person, extremely pessimistic and just plain
angry. bitchy. mean.
I'm not angry, i swear by it.
I'm thick skinned.
Throw something at me and i won't budge.
Try to bring me down and i probably will fall for a second, but then i'll get right the fuck back up.
I have truly discovered that i don't need anybody but myself.
Literally no one can be trusted and it sucks,
shit there I go being angry and negative again.

A good song is on pandora right now, Shattered by O.A.R.
btw, i have surrendered to pandora. it's my brain on a website.

Okay, my life recently in random facts, go...
Golden girls are nationally ranked 3rd in the nation from my choreography. heres the link
sleep.want more coffee.want more gym.wonderful friends.good weed.messy room&car.camel menthols.vanilla air fresheners.gossip girl dvds.munchies.loneliness beyond belief.anxiety.loud music.

My mom is sick. for what seems like the millionth time.
I don't want to talk about it right now.

"Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around~

But i'm good without ya."

i have to turn this shit around.