desear

I always wonder what you would say to me if you gained the guts to ever face me again. You claim to hate me which makes my muscles tense. I wish i could know what you do everyday like i used to, but i don't know why i want to know. I think it's an ego thing. I wish you would act upon the feeling you get every time you look at me, cause i know you want to. I know you have the ability to feel, even though you refuse to. You're different with me. I scare you because i make you feel something that you never have before. Get over it, cause we could be great together. Give in, cause i'm getting impatient and i think you can tell. Or maybe you're just an idiot. I always think about the reason why certain people come into your life for only a certain amount of time, and why certain people stay. Is it designed that way? There has to be a map, or a guideline of some sort. You think people are gone and then they return. You think people will be there forever and then they disappear. There must be a plan. I live for the times when you think something is concrete and you finally have it figured out, only to turn the corner and be completely caught off guard. Months of silence go by, and your head does nothing but wonder. But then you see their face, and you find yourself just as broken as the day they walked away. There's always an acknowledgment though, that one moment where you know if there is hope for something or if it's a lost cause. Something will click, experiences will string together, and you'll know. Even when you think you will never know, when you feel so stuck and lost you can't even breathe normally; the moment will come. I've come to realize that when i don't spend every spare second in my head worrying, overanalyzing and thinking about things to the very core...i get what i want. and i'm happy. and i don't have to force myself to be. wasting my time constantly thinking about things makes my days even more exhausting than they already are. whats meant to touch your life will, on its own time.

#1: Dear Bruce

So, I have this assignment in one of my classes and it involves creating your own blog. Luckily, I already had one. I love writing and think that it is one of the most therapeutic things a person can do for themselves. I decided for my assignment that i'm doing to write 6 blogs all titled to someone, like in a letter. Each entry will have a number and will be dedicated to something, someone or whatever i feel like writing about. Here goes my first one...

Dear Bruce,
It's been almost two and a half years since you've been gone, and there are so many things I wish I could say to you if I just had the chance. I'd tell you millions of thoughts that have been on my mind since the day you were taken from us. I'd tell you that your four year old son is brilliant, and that sometimes I believe he is a piece of you reincarnated. I'd ask you more questions about the entertainment business and where you've left your mark around the world as a performer. I'd tell you that I think you are one of the greatest men to have ever lived. I'd take the cancer out of your bones and give it to myself if it would bring you back. I'd laugh from my belly again and indulge in one of your famous hugs. I'd tell you that mom's fine and I think you give her strength. I'd watch a football game with you and actually understand it now. I'd sing a song with you. I would talk about college with you and how it scares the shit out of me sometimes. I'd tell you that I think A.J. prides himself in being like you. I'd show you my tattoos which are dedicated for you and you only (and explain about my next one which I think you would love.) I'd update you on my life and how I've been living these past two years, i'm not sure if you would be 100% proud of me. I'd dance with you again, and I would finally perform with you as we used to talk about. If I could see you again, I think it would snap my world back into focus; for it hasn't been quite as balanced since you've been gone.
I miss and love you. RIP
Emily

#1 or twenty

I sometimes believe that the thoughts in my head should be laws. I sometimes think i am so disgustingly brilliant that I can't even understand myself. I always joke around to my friends saying that i'm going to write a book of all my philosophies and the way i believe life should be...but i really want to. I think i could possibly be someone. I think i could stun people.

I think i really could write a book or two or twenty one day.
Maybe in my past life i was a famous psychologist or journalist or something. I think my ideas would be very helpful and insightful to many people, like they are to me.
For instance, i believe food should be free. all kinds of food. because we as humans need food to survive. and why should we pay to survive?
I also believe that school should be optional. like REALLY optional. from the time you enter kindergarten. because children have dreams, and hopes and wishes, and the worst possible thing to do for a child is hold them back from their dreams. cause who knows what that child could potentially be. children could be prodegies, wasting their days learning what 2+2 is, meanwhile creating a whole other world in their head. and then their grades fail, and we hold them back until they finally show an interest in what 2+2 is (or atleast pretend to) and by then their dreams are gone.

I believe sex should be an everyday thing, and it should be fucking fantastic every single time. I believe traveling shouldn't cost as much money, because half of the people on this earth never leave their own state let alone country. and that's just sad.

I believe that music is a necessity for living. I believe that writing can heal all wounds. I know for a fact that time erases pain and covers scars you thought would never fade. I think that tattoos are works of art, no, masterpieces of art. I believe men should flood women with passion, and women should do the same. I believe that cancer is the most horrible thing in this world. I believe that people who are brilliant dancers are gods and goddesses. I believe that you can fall out of love with someone but never stop loving them. I think that terminal illnesses are bullshit, because i believe in miracles. I have witnessed miracles.

I believe that cookies shouldn't make you fat and carbs should make you skinny. I believe that everyday should be clear skies and cool breeze. I think coffee is my savior. I think my ex boyfriend taught me exactly what i do not want in a man, even if it took me five years to realize that. I want my mom to be happy every single day of her life for as long as she lives, because she deserves it, probably more than i do. i think that every person deserves a second chance. i think flowers are pretty and the sexiest thing a man can do is wear cologne. i think grades shouldn't exist, because they are just one person's judgement. I believe that oversized sweatshirts can make anyone look adorable.

I believe in colored fingernails and dying your hair. I think that everyone should feel what it's like to have a love affair. I believe that you can teach someone by not even speaking to them. I think that Grey's Anatomy is the greatest television show ever invented and John Mayer is meant to be with me. I believe that stars in the sky are people that have passed and that the ocean is never ending. I think that outer space is easily accessible and that cheesecake is a blessing. I think marijuana is the greatest thing ever grown and you're never too old to have a sleepover with your best friend. I believe in jersey cotton and feathered pillows, and that you should never wash out tear stains because they remind you of hard times and how you overcame them. I think sometimes, people can be head over heels in love with each other but they just do not work. I think everyone deserves to be adored.

I think i should write a book or two or twenty.

byrd

i just looked through every single one of your tagged pictures and found one of us dancing together at scoop in the background. i remember that night so well and the texts i got after you left. and i also remember how you would walk me home from pots every night freshman summer c because i was scared and we would talk about old loves and life in the stairwell between floor 2 and 3. I also remember how your room smelled in studio green and how proud you were to be a phi sig and how you step danced at pow wow. I remember driving in my car everyday listening to old nsync songs and how we would eat ihop and jimmy johns really early in the morning. I remember you buying a bottle of cheap vodka and drinking in my room with just me you and taylor.I remember bringing you and pat to golden girls practice and how you sat in the front row at every event we had. I remember draft a date and howyou loved tequila sunrises and how i did your makeup and dropped you off at that halloween party when you were tinkerbell. I remember how you used to call me your boyfriend and put your arm a...round me everytime we were out whenever a random guy tried hitting on me. I remember Carly and I bringing you to Inn Between and playing beer pong & you still had to use a fake ID because you weren't 18 yet. I remember everything,

i miss everything.

solitary

I'm sorry about all the thoughts that float around in my mind yearning to come out of my stubborn mouth, that i know i should say. And i'm sorry for still wanting you at random times, i'm sure it gets annoying. I'm also sorry for judging you and thinking bad things about you in my mind, i didn't mean it. I'm sorry i haven't given you back your clothes yet, but i can't allow you to take anything else from me. You took a piece of me with you when you turned your back, and you took some of my respect for you the day of my stepdad's death. You didn't have the heart to pick up the phone. I'm sorry about not dancing completely full out everytime i dance, i know i should. I'm sorry for only wanting to listen to music in the car, and not your complaints. I'm sorry i don't keep in touch more. I'm sorry for taking moments in my day for granted. However, I'm not sorry for my dreams. And i'm definitely not sorry for my goals. I'm not sorry i didn't love you as much as you loved me, and i'm not sorry you felt heartache for once. I'm not sorry that i am a damn good dancer, cause i worked hard to be where i am. I'm not sorry that i sometimes forget little things and that i don't always listen because i often think my thoughts are more brilliant than yours. And i'm not sorry about that. Because i'm also not sorry for living by my own rules and doing things my way. You can be aware that ive made mistakes that i deserve to feel sorry for, but don't you ever tell me that i owe you any sort of an apology. Because i will never apologize for my opinions. And in my opinion, you got what you deserve.

shiver

Cause the cold makes me think of you and when i look at old pictures i feel empty. And cause we are supposed to be together we always have been meant to be together and you won't answer the fucking phone. I get it, i hurt you worse than anyone will ever hurt you in your life. but answer the phone. you disappoint me now, and i feel you are different. i watch you live your life without me and you don't even know it. I used to not think about you and now i do. I used to think nothing but negative thoughts when your name came around but now its changed. i think of the good times, for the first time in years. i feel like i'm dreaming. and i wish i could feel you and what you're thinking again. because i can't anymore. you're different. and you're mean and you're bitter and you're stubborn. i'm getting impatient waiting to see your number pop up on my inbox. and these lyrics in my head need to fade.

the heart of the matter

I believe that the world is nothing without dance, art and movement. I believe that my body was made to be a performer. I believe that my true home, the time i feel the most alive, is when i'm performing on stage. I believe that not just anybody can be a dancer. It takes truth, gut honest truth to truly dance. and vulnerability. I believe dance is letting people see inside your soul. Your most private thoughts, emotions, secrets and possessions lie in the way you move your body to a song lyric. I believe dance is what words cannot say. I believe i am the most beautiful when i am dancing. I believe everybody that dances is beautiful. I find myself speechless when i watch a dance that truly is out of this world, the fact that some people out there have the ability and the talent that they do truly stuns me. I believe that the most amazing feeling in the world is having a friend that can dance next to you and can dance well with you. My most memorable times have been with my dance friends up on stage. Dance is life changing to me. Inspirational and without it i would not be me. nor would i be whole. I took a dance class from a random teacher a couple weeks ago and cried because i realized how much i truly love the art of dance. And his words of wisdom, about being a smart dancer and how he couldn't physically live without his dancing, made me melt. It was then i realized that this is what i was put on this earth to do. I was born to be a dancer, a performer, an actor, an artist, a storyteller, an author and everything else that molds somebody into a dancer. My bones were made for dancing. My thoughts were made to be danced. My stories were made to be told through movement. and I truly, with all of my heart and soul, believe i will dance until i die.
This is me. my secrets. my thoughts and emotions. myself as a human.

http://www.youtube.com/user/emilyy215

check me out. get to know me. listen to me. watch me.

konstantine

Just talking to somebody that you truly love and respect can bring such a wonderful feeling. good friends, real true good friends are so hard to find but such a blessing to have. i feel like sometimes you don't even need to really know someone, to really know them. i feel like some people are just meant to be friends. the person that i am is supposed to be friends with the person that you are. its a math equation, true friendship. people are put on this earth to be friends with other people on this earth. to have common interests and wants and goals. and when you have those real, true friends....hold on tight. because things change everyday and people change faster than a blink. so many things can cause change. but a friendship that does not alter, no matter the environment or city or miles in between or any other circumstances...hold on tight. because that, my friend, is luck. it was nice talking to you :)

wreaking havoc

I find myself longing for my keyboard at times when I have absolutely nothing to do. I think in life, you need moments where you have absolutely nothing to do. Nowhere to be, no words to say, no thoughts to think. Just blank. I think the times we are alone are the times we know ourselves the best. I find myself feeling very comfortable in my skin when I am alone. With absolutely nothing to do. I feel at peace and powerful and strong. I feel as though my head and my heart have finally put an end to their everyday battlefield. With absolutely nothing to do. In my opinion, everybody should find a time in their day to really feel alone. Look around you and literally taste the emptiness. Swallow the chill in the air and let your mind wander. Imagine you are out of your body. Watch yourself. Feel yourself. Get to know yourself. It's times like these, when i have absolutely nothing to do, that I feel the most alive.

battlewounds.

This war we are both stubbornly fighting is causing constant chaos in my mind.

seconds turn into minutes turn into hours turn into days
no communication
just wonder and thought
and assumptions
step by step and day by day
i continuously wash you out of my hair.

routine

I make it an absolute necessity, at least once a day,

to drive down the very street that stole you from me.

a beautiful mess.

Yesterday, i really, really cried. You know those cries where the tears turn to sobs and your body shakes and convulses and your skin crawls and all you see is the liquid in your eyes. everything's a blur and you think you will never, ever get over this pain. you believe that you will feel this hurt for the rest of your life. it will be the end of you. those kind of cries are unbelievably necessary to me. i have them at random times. sometimes they are a matter of cause and effect, other times they wash over me like the ocean's current. unexpected, rocky and forceful. i cried like that yesterday. but today, i woke up with swollen eyes, looked in the mirror and began to smile. i drove my car with the windows down. i pieced the puzzle of myself back together. how is it that less than 24 hours ago i had a feeling of forever pain. and today, i was the most productive and accomplished i have been in a long time. it makes me wonder if that at times of extreme, i mean truly raw, unbelievable pain, is that just a day away it can transform you back to you? as if it's an angel touching your shoulder letting you know that things are about to change? its overwhelming, to cry like that. but it's even more overwhelming when you overcome the pain. that's when i believe in god. when i believe in guardian angels. at times when you think there is no tomorrow, a simple angel's kiss on your tear filled eyelids can prepare you for a transformation about to come. a fresh and newly pieced puzzle. not jumbled pieces scattered across the floor anymore. in the times of my cries like these ones, i always have overcome it. and i will continue to. overcome. prosper. and move forward. i promise the angel's kiss that i will move forward. fall down seven times, stand up eight, as my daddy always said.

Absence of Familiarity

As unlikely as it may seem and as puzzling as it feels,
I'm beginning to miss you sweetheart.
You seem so much further than the familiar 165 mile drive I used to travel.

The wheels on tables

Last night, I dreamt a familiar nightmare that took me to a place i hadn't visited in a long time. A place filled with angst and suspicion and despondency. A place where i was sickly in love, yet twisted with hatred. A place where he was the one who didn't want me. And i woke up frightened, surprisingly. I woke up, and the tables had whirled around once more. I wonder if that's all it will ever be about. We yearn for something, achieve it, then cast it away into the night as soon as we taste it. But as soon as that taste is previewed somewhere else, we race to it again. Will anything in this life remain constant? Or is everything a matter of the cat and the mouse.

emptychairs.

i get sad at random times. i sob at random times. i could be having a perfectly good day, and start to cry on command. i just got back to my dorm after having dinner with a couple close family friends, i sat down in my chair at my desk, and started to cry. i miss bruce and i miss chris and i miss alot of things that life has selfishly taken from me. im so fucking frustrated with some of my friends lately, it's like all they want to do is find any little thing to bring me down. today i cried for hours.

sleepingtodream

Its 4:59 a.m as i write my first entry in this blog. I'm used to online blogging, ever since i was introduced to the internet. That's when livejournal was cool, everyone had one including myself. I enjoy writing. it's soothing, and it's one of the only things in this world that is mine and only mine. my thoughts, my fingers skipping along the keys of my laptop, my world, my dreams, my imagination running a marathon as usual. I guess you could say my mother inspired me to create a blog of my own. I'd give my mom the world if i could. She's brilliant. I am currently in the FSU library attempting to study for my theatre midterm tomorrow. I can't help but sit here distracted while my mind works against me. My thoughts overpower me and my visions of what my future could be often get in the way of where i am seated right now. That's how it always is for me though, i always crave more.

Fact: I can't stop thinking about Christopher Byrd tonight.
Fact: My birthday was February 15th. I woke up crying, continued to cry all day, and went to bed crying. and i have no idea why.
Fact: Like Sally Owens in the movie Practical Magic states, "i dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for."