one pair of candy lips & your bubblegum tongue.
sometimes i feel worthless. pathetic, even. it makes me sad. i know i am not. i know i am more than this. but sometimes i just cant figure out how i managed to fuck up my life to the limits i am currently dealing with. what am i going to do with my life? i know that's the number one google search but really. will i survive? will i make it? will i do what i know i am capable of? i hope so.
i'm really proud of myself for writing. taking time to do things that truly define who i am. headphones in ear. this morning i sang alanis morrissette and recorded it. showed the world. i attempted to have confidence. i had a great rehearsal today. i still dance like i used to. at times i feel better. i wish i had the chance to have more training. maybe i will. i think i am doing a good job. so many of my one time friends no longer dance at all. and that also makes me sad. they know they should.
i felt responsible tonight. so many times i feel defeated. but tonight i felt worthy. in the eyes of the eight year old half of me. "you're the best sister in the world." he says. he means it. with every fiber of his teeny little bony body. it warms my face. i'm the old me to him. the real one.
i think of DH often. did i really go through that? did it really happen? what a strange but interesting time of my life. i will never forget. i will always be right there in the middle of it. i will snap my fingers and teleport back. how crazy. how exhilarating. how difficult. how natural.
there is reassurance everywhere. there is kindness and meaning. there is truth.
i lit a candle tonight called "pink sands" and for some reason it smells as a sand of pink would to me. is there even such thing as a pink sand? where?
i know there is more than this. i know it.
