October has glazed by, along with August and September. The cold is starting to roll in, give or take a couple degrees as the days pass by. I find songs to put on constant repeat but I don't know why. I don't know why the specific lyrics speak to my emotions and cause a stir, because to be honest my life has been quite boring lately. Not a bad boring, just monotone. Nothing special, nothing life changing, nothing that inspiring. I feel lazy. Cozy but lazy. Life is easy, nothing to really push me. Except myself. I wouldn't mind the push, though. It's not that I wish for love but I wish for the things that come along with it. The little inspirations that a dedication can bring. The flutter that compliments bring. I wish for that, but none in specific. For the first time I'm not in the mood to chase anything. I want to be chased after.
I thought the other day about chocolate chip pancakes. How tasty they are, but how I never order them anymore. Because that would be out of my comfort zone of egg whites and coffee. I used to always order chocolate chip pancakes, extra chocolate chips, when I was a little girl. Most of the time I wanted whipped cream on them too. I then thought about other habits I used to have, that I no longer do. Like constant inspirations for text messages or calls, or reasons as to why a certain quote or song would sound me like an alarm and make me think of something specific. I no longer have many specifics. I suppose it's the phase; the college years that blur things together like birthdays in your early twenties and cheap liquor at the local weekend bar. The years where you realize that your high school sweetheart is not the love of your life, not even close. The years where you finally understand the meaning of not being able to love someone else until you love yourself. The phase of early adulthood. I think I'm in this phase right now. Blurred, nothing specific. And it's fine. If i had to use a word, it' be fine.
This time of year doesn't make it easy to feel fine. The holidays, the changing seasons, the time off from work and school. The joy. The love. It's beautiful, but lonely. Nostalgia rolls in hand in hand with the change of the air. Suddenly you remember memories that seem long gone. These late months carry your past and poke at you. Like a slap to the face. Like that second where the cool breeze turns cold and crisp. And even though you're fine, there are moments where you aren't. Where you feel like you're living a completely different life than the one you once saw for yourself years ago. Before this phase.
Phases come and go, thank god. And that, is what makes it fine.
