I wonder when

I wonder when you began to hate me.

We were incandescent, immortal, invincible… Together we could have taken over the world. Or, at least, that’s what I always thought.  That’s what you always said. 

Until you didn’t anymore.

During those three years - the three years we were always flying too close to the sun - I watched as your eyes changed:

from fascination to admiration

from resignation to regret

Did my eyes mirror the same emotions? Did mine give me away as easily as yours did?

I remember the late nights we would spend together, drinking pink wine and watching old movies, our legs bare and tangled together under your comforter that smelled of dirt and lavender.  The bed was never made and the room reflected that.  It was a reflection of you, you told me.  A free-spirit, a creative soul. 

But to me it just always looked messy.

I guess the most important question is: 

when did I begin to hate you?

( this is not my work. just came across through a blog I follow. the words resonated and wanted to share the beauty and never forget. 7:13 p.m. august 1, 2020)

stopped time.

may this year of chaos remind us to be grateful and compassionate, always.
I find myself compelled to write - to let words and thoughts and feelings pour out of me like the rain pours everyday at 2:17 p.m. and then stops for the sun at 2:21.
we are stuck and scared, worried and anxious - and just, alone. together.
I haven't seen my 73 year old father because god forbid this virus goes one step near him. I won't have it. my job has just ceased. stopped. like time. which then compels me to think of the lives I have lived. how I will never live them, like I did, ever again. how can that be? is that just what life is? I have invisible strings attaching me to places that my heart breaks for. for times that I would never want to re-live. I always feel this way in the summer time. before I return to Tallahassee, which is in two more sleeps. how can I grow older and feel the same. how can a lump form so beautifully and meticulously and easy in my throat when I even start to think about a memory. of a time long gone. it's the smell of the air. the burn of a candle. I have been meditating, finally, for the first time ever. and it is making me feel thousands of things at once. like a flood. or a waterfall. life is simple now. but also more complicated than it ever has been. Jake's bar mitzvah is in a month. I feel like time has stopped.