sane.

I've decided to erase February.
All of the bullshit and the struggles and the anxiety that filled my veins and my nerves and my head. Happiness is chosen and accepted. I choose happiness. I've decided to be healthy again. I've decided to research therapy up here and to write more and to fucking speak rather than choking back the words i crave to say but am too scared to. February was a blur and i am erasing it. It was my lowest, my pit of darkness and my worst. Everybody needs a February though, everybody needs to have that point in their life where nothing works out and you literally think you're going to die every morning you wake up because the pain is so unbearable. February's prepare you and guide you to better days. Nothing is handed to you on a platter, nothing is given without needing something in return and nothing is easy. Life would be dull without struggle and even though there are days where you wish and pray for absolutely anything other than the life you are living, there come days where you realize. A light turns on and pieces of the puzzle become clear and that sigh of relief feels like heaven. It is heaven, figuring out the solution. I look back on all the times where i felt inadequate, incomplete and terribly alone and i breathe into the fact of knowing that i am so much more. I am brilliant and capable and the world isn't ready for me. I know that i can succeed and i will.
Goodbye February, you won't be missed.
and thank you.

20

Tomorrow is my birthday and every time someone mentions it my eyes well up with tears and i have no idea why. the thoughts in my head confuse me and i feel myself changing. literally it feels as though my skin is moving, constantly. my mind is racing to find peace and happiness. i am aching to smile. something inside me is screaming 24/7 and it is exhausting me. my body is begging me to get help and my heart is yearning to talk but my mouth remains shut. i haven't felt this numb in a long time and i thought i was doing so well. i can't even smile how pathetic is that. if i could get in my car and just drive to whoever fucking knows where, i would. if i had all the money in the world i would buy myself luxury and wouldn't feel the least bit selfish. i want nothing but normal and it scares me that that will never happen for me. i feel so useless and wasteful and just incomplete. my heart knows that something is missing but i can't figure it out. messages are being sent throughout my veins, telling me something, but everyday i think i have it figured out my mind changes. sometimes i feel so in tune lately, when the breeze will blow and i get a chill down the back of my neck and i feel as though i've got this whole life under control. i'll take a drag of smoke and close my eyes and feel weightless. i'll sit soaking in the tub in scorching hot water with music playing and i feel so sensual. i'll wake up energized and feel as though it will be a good day and then it's not. the question of why shit has to change will forever be imprinted in my brain. nothing is good enough for me. i feel so incredibly alone in a room full of my very best friends. nobody can see underneath my wall, not a single soul. people used to, but not anymore. those people are gone, vanished. they have exited my life without turning back and i barely remember what they feel like. i barely remember what anything feels like. my days are numb and my heart is cold and to be honest i don't fucking care. i just want balance. i just want love. i need to be kissed and adored and i need someone to sleep next to me. i need to hear someone's breathing. i need someone to watch me when i sleep and feel at ease. the way i used to be is aching to come alive again but i know i'm not ready right now. i need to be good to somebody, for them and for myself. i need to try and i need to feel and i need to make somebody laugh. love laugh. i want soft kisses on my chest and back. i want soft grazes of touch on my forearm up to my shoulders and back again. i want love sweet and tender yet more passionate than anything i have ever been able to feel. i want someone to look at me again and really fucking look at me. i want to slow down. i want warmth under a blanket with comfort in my heart and a beautiful boy by my side. i want serenity. i want companionship and guidance and everything i've ever needed to say with just a look from an eye. i want someone to watch me and want me with every ounce of them it makes them shift. i want to be not what i am today. i want new. i want to be what i know i can be. i will be. someday. i am loveable i promise.

to become what you want

the smell of candles really can change your mood, as can turning the fan on and shutting the lights off. it's funny how one day you can feel one thing and 24 hours later it's gone. i was feeling really, strangely positive about two days ago. i meditated with candles and i think it put me in a good mood for the entire next day. i felt rejuvenated and clean and healthy. today, i felt sick and groggy and unstable. i just find it so interesting how that can happen. i've cried everyday for the last two weeks. hard tears. but today i heard my mom cry even harder and it hurt my heart in a way i can't even begin to explain. i had so much anger towards her and i built up all of these sentences that i was stubbornly ready to spit out at her, but when i heard her sobbing on the other end of the line i shut the fuck up. i yelled at first and i was mean. but then once she started to cry like that, all i could do was tell her it was okay and that she didn't need to be sorry. i just want to fast forward to like, idk a month from now. my biggest fear is that my face won't be better on my birthday which is in 14 days. i can't even imagine not being able to take pictures with my best friends on the day i turn 20. This year is the first year i won't be with my mom on my birthday and she is so heartbroken over it, as am i. I also wont be there to see Jake turn 4 which really hurts. So many things in my life just seem sad right now. really, really sad.