stirred.

On this hungover afternoon, i find myself stumbling across different aspects of what makes me, me. How cold chinese noodles and an explicit Alanis Morissette song can define the person that i am. How i find pieces of myself, my real self, in a glass of strawberry lemonade or a Grey's Anatomy episode. Red hair dye, chain smoking cigarettes, intoxicated nights, quoting impressions, cheesecake, broadway musicals and blogs. I wanna go for a drive in 70 degree weather and end up in New York City with a cream cheesed bagel in my hand. With a truckers mouth and a hell of way of dancing, I pride myself in my wit and incredible sense of humor. My body moves in a way that amazes me with just the push of a play button. Chicken nugget toes, black coffee and the way my bare feet feel against a wooden floor. How easily hard it is for me to fall madly in love. Naked naps. Hats. Sunny with a side of chilly days as i drive faster than i should. Reckless, Spontaneous always. Sushi and italian food and jewish favorites. Saying whatever the fuck i want to say. My mother. My soul. I always wonder how people think of me. What they like and don't like. I like me.

cranberry.

Today feels like you. Like a wave of you, actually. a storm.

I feel it in my belly, the familiarity of the thought of you and your face.

I can't put a finger on it. but i know it's you.

my throat, swollen. eyes, tired. mind, blank.

I ached to be alone today, independent.

I got take out sushi and heard the music differently and sat in the sun, it's warmth felt cold.

My hands hurt to stretch and my legs to walk.

And i found myself staring at your face on the computer screen, watching old movies of us and reminiscing on the way you used to make me laugh. and cry. and smile. and hate.

I know that on these days, they are so rare these days, that i am on your mind.

I can literally feel your thoughts, your anger still. guilt.

We were something, once. We were everything.

and now, nothing. nothing at all. it's been years since we've exchanged looks yet alone words.

but i will never be able to forget you. i will always think of you.

and i hate you for that. and i love you for that. and i resent you for that.

You used to talk of rescuing me, saving me at any given moment.

But where is that moment? and where are you?

You are gone. dimmed. faded.

Sometimes i look at the moon and wonder if you can feel me still breathing. I talk to the sky in hopes you may hear, or want to hear. I sing to the air and dance in my mind and wonder if you know.

Can you feel me? I feel you.

So strong today. Never on other days.

I find myself dreaming of what you would ever say to me again. God forbid if in tragedy, would you show your face? Would you want to remember me?

We carved ink into our skin due to the fall, and my swollen skin bled for you.

You were mine and i was yours and at times that fact consumes me.

Maybe because it's cold outside. You always come to mind.

You sneak up on me with the sting of certain lyrics and smells in a room.

Hello. I hope you're well. I think of you. That's all.