Situational Satisfactions.

I was inspired today by a friend who is going through some relationship trouble. 

She had what seemed like the perfect relationship for two years, with a boy we will call X.

Everyone was envious of them. People looked at her relationship as an example of what true love was. What perfection was. What forever was.

But then, she fell for someone else. We will call him Y.

Today, amongst bagels and coffee, she began to tell me that X is trying to say that she doesn't love him and never did. He says, "when you love someone, you don't do that to them."
Typical statement that is thrown between lovers in hard times. It's the easiest thing to say, "you must not love me then." Hearing those words is the ultimate guilt trip. Cuts like a knife in the chest.

I then started to think about that statement for a second. I know that she loves X. She knows that she loves X. and I even think that deep down, through all of the pain of her being with someone else, X knows that too. Two words popped into my head at that moment, clear as day; Situational Satisfaction.

We all know that life brings us to certain situations sometimes that we cannot easily escape. And to cope with those situations, we search for what will satisfy us. Bring us happiness and peace, especially if the situation is new and unknown to us. It's simple, really. Like when you're feeling hungry, you search for what will satisfy that hunger. That craving.

I told her that I knew she loved X. But Y was a new situation. He brought her new ideas and new cravings and she yearned to satisfy those cravings. It has nothing to do with love. Love can't even be defined because it is so different for everyone. The way that you love your dog is not the same as loving your child. The way you love your boyfriend is not the same as loving your grandma. There are so many different kinds of love, none which can really be defined indefinitely. It depends on the person. and the situation.

You always hear people say, "well it depends on the situation...."
as if it is an excuse or a reason behind doing something.
So why can't that be the case for love? for relationships?
We try to define love with statements such as, "oh that's not love." or, "he doesn't love her." or, "you don't love me then." But there is no how-to-guide for love, it's all about the situation. the people it involves. it's personal.

Y gave my friend an opportunity to satisfy something she didn't know she was craving.
Something new and unknown.
That doesn't mean that the experiences and love that she had with X is just out the window.
forgotten. erased.
That would be impossible.
But, she was put into a situation that was out of her control.
Situational satisfaction.

To Remember.

specifics.

October has glazed by, along with August and September. The cold is starting to roll in, give or take a couple degrees as the days pass by. I find songs to put on constant repeat but I don't know why. I don't know why the specific lyrics speak to my emotions and cause a stir, because to be honest my life has been quite boring lately. Not a bad boring, just monotone. Nothing special, nothing life changing, nothing that inspiring. I feel lazy. Cozy but lazy. Life is easy, nothing to really push me. Except myself. I wouldn't mind the push, though. It's not that I wish for love but I wish for the things that come along with it. The little inspirations that a dedication can bring. The flutter that compliments bring. I wish for that, but none in specific. For the first time I'm not in the mood to chase anything. I want to be chased after.

I thought the other day about chocolate chip pancakes. How tasty they are, but how I never order them anymore. Because that would be out of my comfort zone of egg whites and coffee. I used to always order chocolate chip pancakes, extra chocolate chips, when I was a little girl. Most of the time I wanted whipped cream on them too. I then thought about other habits I used to have, that I no longer do. Like constant inspirations for text messages or calls, or reasons as to why a certain quote or song would sound me like an alarm and make me think of something specific. I no longer have many specifics. I suppose it's the phase; the college years that blur things together like birthdays in your early twenties and cheap liquor at the local weekend bar. The years where you realize that your high school sweetheart is not the love of your life, not even close. The years where you finally understand the meaning of not being able to love someone else until you love yourself. The phase of early adulthood. I think I'm in this phase right now. Blurred, nothing specific. And it's fine. If i had to use a word, it' be fine.

This time of year doesn't make it easy to feel fine. The holidays, the changing seasons, the time off from work and school. The joy. The love. It's beautiful, but lonely. Nostalgia rolls in hand in hand with the change of the air. Suddenly you remember memories that seem long gone. These late months carry your past and poke at you. Like a slap to the face. Like that second where the cool breeze turns cold and crisp. And even though you're fine, there are moments where you aren't. Where you feel like you're living a completely different life than the one you once saw for yourself years ago. Before this phase.

Phases come and go, thank god. And that, is what makes it fine.

finale.

It's been a while. but that's okay. actually it's not because i probably should be writing more.
so i'm here now, writing, with music in my ears. sounds like me.

i've been inspired lately, but awfully lazy
this year, so far, is trudging along with me like an annoying wind,
attempting to blow up my skirt.
i'm having fun, i suppose
my heart is so full of desire, for bigger things and places
my mind is on a never-ending binge for movement
my phone barely works and i hate it.
i'm finding beauty so often lately. in random things and words.
school is like an insect.
i'm growing a lot and i know it.
i know i'm about to meet people that will change my life.
i have regrets but who doesn't
i wonder about past people often now.
but differently
like in a distant memory that causes a sigh of relief
and sometimes longing
but mostly relief.
girls are mean. and so am i sometimes.
new albums are securing my love for music
coffee has turned into breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert
i should be having so much more sex than i have been
it's embarrassing actually

I've come to the conclusion that the more i yearn for what i want the less i get it. but then again, nothing happens in the blink of an eye. i might as well enjoy this clock of time that i'm being shown everyday. i've also realized that i can say and do whatever i please, and the people who truly love me will accept that. i watch people put on masks everyday. mine's so far gone it's beautiful. and that, is almost better than sex.

almost.

chimney smoke.

"Sometimes you look up and there just seems to be so many more stars than ever before. More. They burn brighter and they shine longer and they never vanish into your periphery when you turn your head. It's as if they come out for us, to remind us that their light took so long to come to us, that if we never had the patience to wait, we would never have seen them here, tonight, like this.

That as much as it hurts, sometimes it's all you can do, wait, endure and keep shining knowing that 

eventually, your light will reach where it's supposed to reach and shine for who it is supposed to shine for. 

It is never easy, but it is always worth it."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

If only I could meet this man.

tiptoe through the truth.

I wanna kiss you at red lights and watch you watch me wear your old baseball hat again.

I wanna sneak around and pull you in and hold your big arms again.

I wanna reach for you on the other side of the bed and feel your skin respond again.

I wanna act on the tension we cause every time we see each other again.

I wanna feel okay about it again.

I wanna recognize your mannerisms and enjoy the fact that I still can again.

I wanna follow my intuitions and hopes and dreams of you again.

I wanna smile when you tell me how a certain song makes you think of me again.

I wanna feel cheesy and embrace it with you again.

I want you to grow up and finally act on what your heart truly wants.

You're torturing me.

climax.

I can't remember the last time that a number appeared on my phone and I actually responded to the butterflies. I can't remember the last time I closed my eyes and saw myself capable of loving. I can't remember the last time I felt anxiety at the hope of seeing someone one day again. I can't remember the last time I felt an instant connection with a man of substance. I can't remember the last time I felt healthy enough to be in a relationship. I can't remember the last time I laid in a bed with a man with my all of my clothes on. I can't remember the last time I felt my body smiling. I can't remember the last time I ached to express romance. I can't remember the last time I felt I had someone to work for, to look forward to.

And then you saw me for the first time, pointed at me, and smiled.

And instantly, I remembered.

prettywings.

The sky often speaks to me, in the softest whispers or in the loudest screams. The moon often calls to me, to stretch my mind and force me to think. The sun often kisses me, on the top of my head or the soles of my unpolished feet. The stars often watch me, and guide me towards the almond shape of your face. Wooden floors hold me strong and move my body to the most intricate beats of music. Vodka seeps into my tensed shoulders and tranquilizes my senses. You occupy my inbox and i'm back to the beginning of our forever unfinished race.

unthinkable

For so long, I have forced myself to not think of you. To erase you as best as i could. I loved after you. I loved you more, but I loved again. It's an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, thinking about what we had. It's distant, old, and stale. Yet what I can't understand are the little things. The things that are as fresh as yesterday in my mind, like the shape of your neck and how I used to kiss it. It's salty taste. Your dark hands and how they overpowered my small frame. The face you make when you get angry, the fear i felt at the raise of your strong voice. How it looked to see your number on my phone screen everyday. A certain song and its lyrics, how you used to interpret music. The way my bathroom tiles felt when you wouldn't pick up the phone. Cold.

I never thought I would speak to you again and to be honest, i learned to not want to at all. I trained myself by moving forward and seeking other things.

As usual, I got distracted from this. I can never finish a thought when it comes to you

to be done.

Live in another country. Marry a wonderful man. Make beautiful babies. Star in a Broadway show. Dance around the world. Be in two places at once. Climb a mountain. Date a musician. Create a perfume. Make my own wine. Try any kind of food. Cook well. Skydive. Donate to charity. Volunteer. Be a maid of honor. Learn to play guitar. Rescue animals. Own a lake house. See the seven wonders of the world. Surf. Save someones life. Live successfully in New York. Buy a star. Write my mom a check. Swim with dolphins. Learn to horseback ride. Write a book. Host a dinner party. Live in my dream home. Learn another language. Sail around the world. Play piano. Watch the ten greatest movies of all time. Brazilian wax. Go green. Create a documentary. Follow a religion. Safari. Meditate daily. Grow my own fruit and vegetables. Ride a camel. Be genuinely, physically, spiritually, and mentally happy and healthy.