operator.

With every puff of smoke, i try to release you.

But then thunder booms and i'm re-pierced.

Photographs and video footage do us no justice,

But they're all i have left due to your silence.

Certain pills bring you back to me, as if you never left

Time swims by me and i continue to live.

With ashes on my dashboard and the sun on my skin,

I'd walk to you if only you'd answer the door.

Until then, i cruise.

home.

I wish i still made you choke.

I wish the sight of me caused your heart to flutter.

I wish my face was what you saw when you wake every morning.

I wish for unexpected embraces.

I wish for hard kisses on my mouth.

I wish for your hands all over me.

I wish you couldn't control yourself.

I wish your jaw dropped at my entrance.

I wish for whispered love.

I wish you were physically unable to keep your skin off of mine.

I wish you felt me when you hear a certain song lyric.

I wish for swollen lips.

Drunken tongues.

You.

stirred.

On this hungover afternoon, i find myself stumbling across different aspects of what makes me, me. How cold chinese noodles and an explicit Alanis Morissette song can define the person that i am. How i find pieces of myself, my real self, in a glass of strawberry lemonade or a Grey's Anatomy episode. Red hair dye, chain smoking cigarettes, intoxicated nights, quoting impressions, cheesecake, broadway musicals and blogs. I wanna go for a drive in 70 degree weather and end up in New York City with a cream cheesed bagel in my hand. With a truckers mouth and a hell of way of dancing, I pride myself in my wit and incredible sense of humor. My body moves in a way that amazes me with just the push of a play button. Chicken nugget toes, black coffee and the way my bare feet feel against a wooden floor. How easily hard it is for me to fall madly in love. Naked naps. Hats. Sunny with a side of chilly days as i drive faster than i should. Reckless, Spontaneous always. Sushi and italian food and jewish favorites. Saying whatever the fuck i want to say. My mother. My soul. I always wonder how people think of me. What they like and don't like. I like me.

cranberry.

Today feels like you. Like a wave of you, actually. a storm.

I feel it in my belly, the familiarity of the thought of you and your face.

I can't put a finger on it. but i know it's you.

my throat, swollen. eyes, tired. mind, blank.

I ached to be alone today, independent.

I got take out sushi and heard the music differently and sat in the sun, it's warmth felt cold.

My hands hurt to stretch and my legs to walk.

And i found myself staring at your face on the computer screen, watching old movies of us and reminiscing on the way you used to make me laugh. and cry. and smile. and hate.

I know that on these days, they are so rare these days, that i am on your mind.

I can literally feel your thoughts, your anger still. guilt.

We were something, once. We were everything.

and now, nothing. nothing at all. it's been years since we've exchanged looks yet alone words.

but i will never be able to forget you. i will always think of you.

and i hate you for that. and i love you for that. and i resent you for that.

You used to talk of rescuing me, saving me at any given moment.

But where is that moment? and where are you?

You are gone. dimmed. faded.

Sometimes i look at the moon and wonder if you can feel me still breathing. I talk to the sky in hopes you may hear, or want to hear. I sing to the air and dance in my mind and wonder if you know.

Can you feel me? I feel you.

So strong today. Never on other days.

I find myself dreaming of what you would ever say to me again. God forbid if in tragedy, would you show your face? Would you want to remember me?

We carved ink into our skin due to the fall, and my swollen skin bled for you.

You were mine and i was yours and at times that fact consumes me.

Maybe because it's cold outside. You always come to mind.

You sneak up on me with the sting of certain lyrics and smells in a room.

Hello. I hope you're well. I think of you. That's all.

I as I

Dear One,

you have stolen something from me. you will always have little pieces of my youth and my innocence and i will probably never speak to you again. you taught me what it was like to fall in and out of love. you were the most unhealthy addiction i've ever had and parts of me still wonder how you are sometimes, when the weather is cold and my lips are red. i remember sweet words and feelings that i hadn't known before. we were everything and more to each other and it was wonderful and tumultuous and terribly beautiful. i hope it's nice where you are and i am sorry for making you give up on love.

Dear Two,

you are my biggest mistake thus far. I should never have given up on you, you are the greatest man i know. the way you loved all of me was scary to me and i was stuck in between worlds. you taught me what i deserve. i think of you with everything i see and do. you are the taste of my favorite drink and the feeling of warmth. i am so comfortable. you are passion and love embodied and probably the love of my life. we should be together and i have faith that one day we will again. we are the epitome my most revealing secret. i ache for you at night and leave room for you in my heart. everything about you, i love. and want. and need.

Dear Three,

you are the best sex i have ever had. you were my first and only orgasm. you were a whirlwind of sex and drugs and fun. you are what the typical college experience is. i loved your arms and your length and the way your hands made me shake. i was your muse and you taught me the meaning of casual. i will always remember the taste of your tongue and the long nights we endured.

Dear Four,

you had me fooled for a while. your stupidity and immaturity was captivating and i loved that i could call you at any hour i pleased. you got me to believe that i was unworthy and for that, you despise me. you never kissed me during sex and you aren't as great as you think. i liked you a lot and enjoyed our nude sundays and awkward mornings, but now i think you are disgusting. you walk my way and look me up and down and all i can do is laugh. i have never been begged for by another the way you do, it's kind of pathetic.

grumpy trolls.

All anybody ever wants is to be thought of.

Like in the silent chill of the weather and the artistry a sunset creates.

So, if i'm the lyrics and the pictures and the smells,

Why are you there and I am here?

When those skinny legs are sprawled across your chest.

When your mind travels as you stroke her hair.

When the taste of raspberry liquor brings you two years back.

When you hold her hand and feel empty space.

When you pass a certain street, or can't seem to sleep

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

at this point, fuck the sheep.

Why are you there and I am here?

All I see is you.

All anybody ever wants is to be thought of.

So when the wind carries you to a wishful place, don't look for me.

Because broken hearts, they seem to mend and to you, I am a crime.

She'll pretend to not see you ache for me

She'll close your eyes when you kiss her

She'll say that you are fine.

You'll suffer.

bulimia.

Your excuses don't work, you may swallow them again.

Your actions don't match the letters that i read so late at night, while she aches like a child alone and young. I have found myself yet again standing on a cliff with you, just like before. Except this time, I am not the one pushing you off into the dark. You have me by a strand of hair from my head. Congratulations. You have restarted my heart, for it has been so still since you have been gone. And with a kiss I have longed for, dreamt for and wished for, you have charged my atoms both positively and negatively. This is unfair. Just as i was beginning to believe again.

scratch.

There are monsters in our bellies that poke at our emotions the second the devil on our shoulder snaps his fingers. They are faithful and devoted and on a constant, ticking clock until the devil feels like playing frisbee. They come out in the tears that you cry and the steam from your angry ears. They come out in the clench of your fists and the stamps of your feet. They tickle the back of your neck as you watch your old love put his hand on another girl's thigh. They scratch at your cheeks when you've stayed up all night studying for an exam that you fail the next day. They blow on your eyelids when you are announced second place. They're uncomfortable, itchy and annoying. yet constant. They trampoline on your chest when he hasn't called, seven days after he watched you undress. They swim down your throat along with the whiskey you ironically use to try to maintain your balance. And the devil's snare could drown you at the sight, yet you feel the need to smile at him with respect. And the weight of the crashing waves you endure makes it impossible to feel healthy, with each step i take; a monster will pinch. and they whisper to you as you dream, and waltz across your brain just trying to have a little bit of fun. and when you wake, they are asleep. and your eyes open and all is clear but as soon as you sit up, with the slightest of hope, they push you back to rest.

i'll hold my breath.

your song.

My mother is a real life angel. The purest woman i've ever known.

Her grace and elegance is something i can only dream of, and her courage and strength gives me chills. She is my very best friend. She is my other half. She is my guardian and my savior and the only person i truly believe in. Her words of artistry can bring anyone to tears. Her brilliance is portrayed in everything she does. In acting, in directing, in parenting, in loving, in dreaming, in speaking. Her life is what i base mine upon. Her struggles and battles inspire me to share her stories. My stories. Our stories. Her delicacy and fragility combine into this mess of beauty that i admire so deeply. She craves answers to things that God has stolen from her. That God has stripped her of. I crave answers for her. I will be her answer. I will carry her with me in every daily breath i take. I simply cannot live without her. A perfect day to me is sitting on a porch with her, cocktail and cigarette in hand, just being. Laughing. Recalling past moments where i have been so stupid. Where she has picked me up off the ground with her small bare hands that resemble mine identically. Where she has put her life on hold, for me. God bless a love that strong. That true. A day without hearing her voice brings me anxiety. I am her. She is me. We are us. I'd live her daily pain if i could. I'd take back the tears she's cried, the fear she's felt, the rock bottom she's hit. I'd put it all on me in exchange for peace and happiness in her heart. The pride i see in her eyes, the passion in her words when she speaks of me, the love she shows when she wipes my tears. I've never known a love like that. I just know that i have learned everything from her. Every thought, every belief, every hope that i stubbornly cling to is all thanks to her. Her god given talent that she has passed down to me, i could never thank anybody enough as her. The ability she has planted in my veins astounds me with every discovery i make about myself. the soul that i have is hers. and hers is mine. I always wonder if people see her brilliance the way i do. I know my father doesn't and i hate him for belittling her. Or maybe he does and just hates himself for letting her go and fucking things up. The man who loves my mother is the luckiest bastard in the world. Her one true love was stolen from her three years ago and her heart will never mend. No matter how hard i try to heal her, it's unbearable. My stepfather's death has turned my world upside down. Brought me to the highest of highs and fuck knows the lowest of lows. But he wasn't my lover. He wasn't my best friend. He didn't leave my mom with a 17 month old son, his only biological child. That's just wrong.

I'll never forget the day she called me and told me that her and jake were standing outside, looking at the stars. Jake asked, "is daddy up there?" She said, "yes." He said, "i can hear him singing up there."

God knows i will die knowing that that four year old statement is the absolute truth.

He is singing.

He's singing for my mother, as he always did.

I can hear it too.

i'd come.

I'd come for you now if i could.

I'd get in my car with all the worst intentions, buckle my belt over trembling thighs and attempt to steer my unsteady wheel. I'd tell you to your face that she can't love you like i can. I'd tell her. I'd come for you now and open your door and be whatever i want to be right to your face. I'd watch you watch me explain. I'd watch your face wander across my body, i'd watch you ache as you watch me speak. I'd light a fire in your eyes and make you feel me once again. Like i know you want to. Like everyone knows you want to. Like she knows you want to. She watches you want me. I admire her silence, her insecurity and immaturity. I like the way she wishes me away every time she sees me. Is that wrong? I don't care. I'd touch you so softly you couldn't get my hands out of your mind. I'd erase our time apart and pick up the pieces i left you with. I know it's my fault, and now i'm the one to suffer. To crave. To daydream. My mind goes to you when i think of sexuality. Sensuality. Love. My brain remembers and my body shakes and i gain the ability to have the courage it takes to say those drunken words to you after the vodka has settled. You look so good and i'm proud of that. I still picture you as mine. I still speak of you as mine. Is that insane? I don't care. This idea is mine. I have put you on an entirely different pedestal and i keep you there with hope. I keep you in my stars. I keep you in my desires. Our history has beautifully created our everlasting chemistry. It's heartbreaking at times. Not even for me but for people who see it. They don't understand why we aren't together. Why we gave up. Why we stopped. Halt. Chopped and cut like a shitty verse of a rough draft.

i will always want you, and love you as the man you have become. that you have been since you carried my cardboard boxes into my summer dorm. with the lyrics you've read me. with the songs you've played me. with the sweet kisses you've given me. with the words you've said, and meant with everything you've ever known and believed. with your unconscious ability to continue to love and want me no matter how much pain i bring you. no matter how crazy and dark i can get. no matter the number of times i've let you down. no matter how many promises i've broken. your disregard to all of that is what makes my heart churn. you were the one to change my life, the life that i lived for years. you brought a new kind of light into my life that i had never known before. never knew existed or was even possible. love was pain to me. dramatic. cold. sad. but you changed that for me. you changed me all together. and i changed you. she will never affect you like i do. i still feel as though every time i see you i am allowed to run into your arms, cradle your neck in my small hands and kiss you long and hard. like you used to love. it's hard holding that back, having to stop myself. it just feels so normal, easy and right.

i want you back. and i will get you back.

and together, we will glue each other back to health.

forgiveness

This scent upon my hands so strongly smells of your skin.

After the long and scorching hot showers we would take.

tasting the soap on our spines as our fingers ran through damp strands of hair.

i miss that taste. or maybe i just miss being able to taste it, the ability and knowledge of a love i never understood yet would give my life for. i miss the certainty that i could drive to your house after a long night and know you would come outside just to kiss me goodnight, and hold me in your arms for what seemed like hours. i miss the anticipation between ringing bells when i knew you would turn the corner and smile at me like i was the only important thing in your universe. i miss the comfort of the jealous stares we would receive, as we walked hand in hand around our city. i miss the warmth of sleeping next to you, our bodies both completely naked, with nothing to hide. no insecurities. no thought of time. as if we would lie there forever, making love as the days passed. i miss the swelling of my lips from you swallowing me in kisses every chance you had. i miss the chills i'd get from your hands on me, touching all of me as if my body never ended. i miss the random words just because you were thinking of me, i miss the dinner dates and the late nights in your car. i miss the laughs, the inside jokes only we knew and never bothered even trying to explain. i miss our families believing in our love. i miss myself believing in love. i miss the fingertips, the embraces from behind, the movies we watched, the songs we related to, the feelings we felt. your head on my chest as if it were cemented there, belonged there, and would stay there forever. i miss the passion in your eyes as you watched me perform, every time i danced, without fail. the beaming from your eyes as you watched me move. the excitement you would experience as i caught your eye across the room. i even miss the abuse. the nasty words you chose to speak of me, to me, about me. i miss the screams on the other line as you told me what i did wrong, which was almost everything. i miss the ignorance and stubbornness you possess. i miss the dirty looks from your friends. i miss the tears i cried, i cried a river if not more. i miss the shoves, the strength in your fists as i watched you clench them in anger. the bulge of your arms as you emphasized that anger. i haven't felt passion like that since. almost two years now. i don't know what my life would be like if you had never found out, but it would probably be a complete and utter opposite from the life i'm living now. and have been living for the past year since we spoke. since we touched. since we yelled. since we cried. god knows it's felt like centuries. i couldn't tell you a single thing about you anymore and neither could you about me. sometimes, at night, i catch my mind wandering to the place that you are. after a tumultuous four years i can honestly say i wish you happiness. i wish you peace. and i wish you love. true love. like we used to feel. like i will always feel for you. i tell our story with pain and hurt yet when i speak of how it affected me i can only smile. i can only remember the good times, and how they have transformed me. even the bad times, have made me who i am today. especially the bad times. because of you, i now know exactly the kind of man i want to be with. and exactly the kind of woman i want to be to him. it is nothing like you and i were. it is a love filled with wonder and hope and kind words along with precious moments. it is a love that grows and gives, not takes and hides. it is a love that is never ending, and accepting, something you never were. it is being woken up by romance and going to bed with it as well. it is tears of joy in the emergency room as i give birth to my first child. it is strongly held hands through times of sorrow and loving every piece that i hold. it is not running away when times get hard, it is not shoving me away. it is not leaving me for some dumb bitch who you then cheated on me with months later. it is not fuck you and it is not you're a bitch. it is i love you, my darling, you are everything to me. it is, you complete me and without you i wouldn't be me. it is, how have i gone so long without having you, i need you for the rest of time. it is, i want all of you always, i want you to be my wife. i want you by my side. in my four corners. for eternity.

at this point in time, i can solemnly say that i do not miss you.

i do not miss anything about you.

i miss feelings that I myself felt. that I learned from. that I believed. that I encountered with my heart and my body and my soul.

but not you.

i miss nothing of the person that you are.

fuck you, for stealing my belief of what i know is possible for so long.

you have caused me more pain that you will ever know.

and i am the strongest that i have ever been

since the day you shut me out.

i have never looked back, if not for a moment to remember a part of me that will always be gone. you have taken a piece of me that i will never be able to get back. but someone else will be able to fill that void with the most concrete of love. and you will be buried, forever, until i am asked about my very first love again. but by then, you will be a faded and forgotten memory. i hope i only know of your name.

beneath the masks

drag me like a cigarette, i'll be your nicotine

and kiss me soft and sweet darling, compliment my dreams

wrap me like a present, i'm far sweeter under my seams

hold me like a child, hesitate to let me go

and fuck me like you did last night,

it's unbelievable, i know.

touch me like an angel would, if they could touch your skin

and breathe me like a passing wind, the kind you feel warm in

crave me like an addict would, if it had been some time

like when they first had tried cocaine and they were in their prime.

stare so far into my eyes that you truly feel lost,

and lock me in your arms tonight as if there were no cost

i swear by this, i really do, just standing near to you

the fire and the spark between our bodies proves it's true

with not much to believe in, i still ache to trust in this

maybe i'm insane or simply terrified of bliss

but your number seems to flash upon my phone so late at night

and this feeling that waves through me clearly proves my theory right

i'll wait for you, i'll wait for this, i'll wait for all it takes

the recklessness that has beautifully hand crafted my mistakes

that's my flaw, this you know, but i think you kind of like

i'm broken and i'm messy yet this makes us so alike

you have all of me completely on a string held by those hands

and the justice of this situation i will never understand

but waking up with you is like nothing words could say

i want us naked in your bed every second, every day

you've done this to me, this is entirely your fault

your body and this wine manipulated me from the start

i'm captivated, motivated, and for me this is so rare

and these bites along my neckline show that no one can compare

the shake of my legs, the rock of your hips and those lips i long to taste

Lord please don't let these moments fail and fade away to waste

It's a crime, you and I, but it feels so fucking good

it feels the way perfection feels and how certainty should.

just lay with me and pass the day we'll feed eachothers needs

this puzzle we're completing makes me eager to succeed

i'd die for this happily and risk it all on cue

cause more and more, the seconds pass, i'm more in love with you

noon

The stars align our names with the thought of what's forbidden

what is the definition of aching and yearning and desire

and the sky lights up over spots on the earth filled with speeding cars

and loud vibrations

and you and i

and us

and we

with your fingers grasped in mine i swear i could conquer this mess called life

and a mother cradles her newborn baby

and a father guides his son with a wooden bat and glove

and two lovers lie awake just for the thrill of the chemistry in the room

and you look at me

through me

with me

and i'm oh so sure of what i have no idea of

and i'm oh so definite about something i can't even speak about

and i'm oh so set on this possibility we've created

and explored

and attempted

and began

and the clock strikes noon and the bird flies home and the clouds fill up with rain

and the song gently plays and the moonlight dims and the candle burns a flame

and the widow cries and the elderly dies and the heartbreaker accepts the blame

and i love you

and i hope you love me too

and i think you love me too

and i wish you love me too

and you love me.

the art of cravings

Come.closer.

I ache for your stare, those green eyes that remain constant in my mind. in my thoughts. in my desires. I ache for the turn of your head as i enter the room. I see it. Or maybe i just wish for it. Your lips on my neck, down my spine. my creases. my curves. The taste of your tongue on mine. The spark of this flame we both feel yet deny. It happened. It was born, ignited.

Uncontrollable, undeniable, unfixable.

for gods sake.

your sculpted, painfully gorgeous body. your words that always manage to make me smile, inside and out. the sense of humor that mimics my own. the wisdom i admire, so. We are so beautifully forbidden. So in sync. Surreal. Typical. the match of our personalities. the similar taste of styles. still so unbelievable. the discussions afterwards, the excitement in our faces. in your voice on the other end of the line. admitting. accepting. acknowledging and admiring. i can't stop.

the crossing of lines, the need to yet again. the want. the smell of your skin. the amazing friendship. our creation. the matching of our souls. fate.

It all goes back to what is written in the stars, what is destined. When a certain someone touches your life in a way that you can't begin to explain. That you sheepishly deny with rosy cheeks. That causes your heart to burn when you hear his name. Your skin to tingle. Your fists to clench and release. That you attempt to belittle which only creates the growth. The fuel to the fire. The burning of bridges. Secrecy. Pacts. Promises. The wink in your eye. The act i put on, that you put on. The unknown.

I look up to the sky and see you every single time.

I look to my right and wish for you every single time.

I look ahead of me and see your face every single time.

I look behind me and hope you are there every single time.

I look around and want you to be there every single time.

I let my mind wander and wind up with you every single time.

Assumptions. Expectations. Racing thoughts. Endless possibilities.

Is it just me?

It can't be.

It's too wonderful to be on my mind only.

Too perfect.

We would be so great, we will. one day. someday. i think. i know and i pray and i hope and i wish.

You are the epitome of what a perfect man would be for me. a perfect relationship.

The time will come. it's not now. it's not soon.

but it's there....

prayer.

I want so many things i don't know if i even know where to start. I found myself praying out loud tonight and i want to put it in writing.

I want happiness. I want clarity. I want to taste the wind and feel the sun. I want to be extraordinary. I want to be inspired. I want to dance in front of millions of people,forever. I want to touch people and i want to be touched. I want great things for anybody i have ever came in contact with, even those i swore i'd never think of again. I want lots of loves, yet one that i know is the concrete. I want moments. I want time. I want toned arms and tan skin and i want to kiss all over each trace. I want someone to want to sleep beside me, just to know i'm there. I want nights of love and mornings of even more. I want vacations. I want the thrill of drugs without the toxins they trail along. I want to see, everything. I want success. I want money. I want to always give, no matter the situation. I want to be respected. I want value. I want truth. I want my mistakes to fade. I want nobody to ever feel pain. I want Chris to fly forever above and i want Bruce to always be singing. I want my mother to be at peace. I want love surrounding my atmosphere, all four corners. I want the moment when you know you are making a memory you will never forget. I want music, always. always and always. I want to write, always. I want grasped hands and touching toes. I want babies. I want to be a wife. I want homemade dinners and romantic dates. I want to travel, everywhere and anywhere. I want to help. I want to speak. I want words. I want to do well in school. I want to want to do well in school. I want laughter. I want smiles. I want to never go to bed mad, at anyone or about anything. I want to wake up smiling. I want a house of my own, with wooden floors and french doors. I want everything i could ever want. I want my brother to always play baseball. I want my other brother to be as full of life forever as he is now at four years old. I want growth. I want the ability to move on. I want to always forgive, when forgiveness should be granted. I want experience. I want wisdom. I want faith. I want to never stop. I want people to smile when they think of me, speak of me. I want to know there is something there i simply can't explain. I want the unknown. I want long drives. I want sweet kisses, all over. I want peace. I want the smell of a thunderstorm. I want lit candles and hot baths and damp skin. I want to provide. I want to be selfless. I want karma to slap some people in the face harder than my fist ever could. I want strength. I want the strumming of a guitar and my daddy's voice. I want the stars. I want space. I want tears of pure joy. I want feeling. I want emotion. I want extreme passion. I want exercise. I want photographs. I want conversation. I want story-telling. I want you and me. I want a heart full of a multitude of things. I want natural. I want long phone calls. I want life long friends. I want a beautiful wedding gown. I want oversized sweatshirts that still smell like you. I want to reminisce. I want a long life. I want healthy addictions. I want to be known. I want to be important. I want to be special. I want to be adored. I want great pleasures. I want angels. I want work. I want opportunity. I want to make a mark on this earth, in this life. I want my name plastered on billboards. on skyscrapers. I want boat rides. I want wine. I want decisions. I want books. I want art. I want movement. I want talent. I want to teach and i want to be taught. I want guidance. I want advice. I want psychology. I want astrology. I want things i can call mine and only mine. I want traits. I want understanding. I want pretty words, written and whispered to me. I want long and hard embraces. I want constant. I want to be unafraid. I want to be daring. I want sex appeal. I want adventure. I want creativity. I want creation. I want help along the way. I want to live forever. I want my first love to always think of me and remember me, as i will him. I want the smell of a dance competition. I want the things i have achieved to always be special to me. I want things i have gained to stay with me. I want a love that nobody can understand. I want my face on movie screens. I want my voice on loud speakers. I want chaos. I want messy. I want what i define as perfect. I want to be heard. I want to hear. I want to listen. I want all of this and more. so much more.

different streets.

Oh Juliet, when we made love you used to cry
Used to swear like the stars above
Well, you'd love me till the day that we died
Well, there's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?
"Romeo and Juliet" - Edwin Mccain

I always wonder how people can claim to promise to love somebody until the day they die. Don't get me wrong, those words were once concrete in my mind, and i said them often. But now that that flame has burned out, i wonder. I wonder if that is possible. We are designed to crave a love that even time will lie down and be still for. We are designed to always want more. More passion, more kissing, more sex, more surprises, more presents, more time, more lenience, more more more. So how is it possible to promise to love one person for the rest of your life. I have a long road ahead of me, and those words are so easy to say. they're words. I try to take myself back to the time in my life where i honestly believed those words. I said and received them, and they felt good. They felt real. But they weren't. I never expected this life, this consequence. Actually, delete that word, i'd choose this life over my old mindset any day of the week. How naive, how young i was, inside and out. I now laugh, which i never thought i would be able to do. The temperature of that bathroom floor felt absolute, my mother begging me to get up and move on. and i couldn't. the wails that poured out of my mouth, the tears from my eyes, never ending. how can i not remember that? did i block it out? did i just get over it? it's silly to me. it is such a distant memory, fading more and more each day. It is so, far away.

Lately, i have learned the meaning of a true friend. I have been exposed to what is false, what shouldn't be. My universe has felt off track when it comes to friendships. I have seen things i would never be physically able to do. I have realized that i would go above and beyond for just about anybody, yet i can only name one hand's worth of people who would reciprocate. If even that many. That, too, is funny to me. Am i just made to be that way? Are my chemicals made to be selfless and so giving that it hurts me? Id take the pain if it would leave you. I would. I'd suffer for you and i would deal with it because i can take it. I have taken it. And i pushed through it, and will again. I can literally feel the layer of skin that has settled over my past and it's thick as fuck. It's new and wonderful and it's smart. I have felt the warmth of friendship too don't get me wrong. I have felt the birth of smiles when you came back home. The reassurance, the laughs and the love. The amount of value i have in that. The true interest i had in hearing you ramble about nothing, how i couldn't listen to anything else in the world but your voice. How it made me realize how much i need certain people in my life to survive. I need the comfort of them, the people that they are, in my atmosphere. The faith that there are genuine people in this life. that i'm never alone.

I've done some things lately that i'm not proud of, however, i don't regret them as much as i thought i would. I feel as though they were destined to happen. I've thought that for a while now, getting to know certain people and the way they are. And i know you feel the same way. You are a dead end road of possibility that lead us to where we are. And now i feel stopped, forbidden and wrong. Yet at the same time, i feel reassured and hopeful. Hopeful that maybe, what i believe in my heart, has the ability to in fact be true. That i'm not crazy, that you aren't either. That maybe there is something like a person you probably should be with, meant to be with. Maybe, just maybe, there is a certain kind of forever that is real. That maybe, adding fuel to the fire doesn't always have to be in a bad way. Maybe it's a way of seeing things brighter, clearer. When a fire grows bigger, so does the color of the flame. the brightness increases. darkness fades along with the shadows in the room. that has to mean something right? or is that yet another oxymoron that life provides just to drive you nuts? Hm. all we can do is wait. and i will sit here, and wait, and endlessly wonder. and i feel you do the same.

a daughter's thanks

Thank you for listening to my ranting words and unstable thoughts and never judging, for answering the phone at 3 in the morning because your voice is what i prefer to hear rather than a silly boy's after i've had a couple drinks, for honoring me and my love for dance and for blessing me with such a talent, for always managing to have your shit in line no matter how long it takes, for the wisdom and knowledge i have been rooted with, for the everlasting pride i feel just being your daughter, for the years of tears and laughter, for picking me up off the bathroom floor when i thought a high school boy's actions were strong enough to be the end of me, for the radiant beauty you portray by just having the ability to always make somebody laugh, for the personality traits i owe entirely to you, for the wittiness and sassiness i am known for, for supporting me in all of my endeavors and guiding me through college, for holding my hand after all the times you should have slapped me away, for opening your arms to absolutely anybody that just needs somebody to talk to, for being an inspiration and an angel in mine and so many other people's eyes.

i owe it all to you, and i'm so lucky to call you mine.

Happy mother's day big red. i love you to the ends of this universe

untitled

I believe I have discovered what the difference of loving someone and being in love with them is. I have discovered what being in love with the idea of love is, and how it differs from actually being in love with someone. I have discovered how the idea of being in love can cloud your judgement, can complicate your reality and can cause you to lose sleep at night. I have discovered that love is not fighting. Love is not war. Love is not tears, unless they are tears of joy. Love is flaws. Love is morning breath. Love is despiting absolutely anything. Love is eyes. Love is a sweet fire, soothing and absolute. Love is peeing with the bathroom door open, just to know that person is in the other room waiting for you to climb back into bed. Love is an infinite comfort. Love is therapeutic. Love is wanting to be beside someone, just to cherish their being. Love is the feeling of smiling from your toes to your face. Love is being with somebody else, yet knowing the person you are meant to be with is not them. Love is wanting to experience things together. Love is the thought of the first person you want to tell when you accomplish your dreams. Love is when words match actions. Love is thinking of memories when you smell a certain cologne. Love is music and art. Love is when you believe your soul has been matched. Love is being able to make mistakes and work through them. Love is time. Love is growth. Love is moments of clarity. Love is dance. Love is an indescribable, unimaginable mix of things. Love is mysteriously exciting. Love is remembering. Love is the ability to be happy for somebody else.

I have realized that you never loved me the way i loved you.

and now you can't sleep at night knowing i don't love you anymore.

thank god i don't.

the fire of possibility.

His stares filled with a hunger so blatant
the path his eyes travel as she walks into the room
The bite of her lip and the fiddle of her hands
smirks and rushes and desires
the yearn to get out of the bar and indulge in each others mouths
the heat between them as he gazes at her lips, down to her hips and back up again
the thought of what could possibly be
the continuation of what was once a random night
the evolving of words, with each encounter
the alcohol in his taste, the nicotine on her tongue
eyes squinting in sex appeal, the slow yet inviting chew of her gum
lyrics blasting louder than the racing thoughts in their minds
the distinct routine, the words every night
the way that wrong feels
the dismissive shrugs when someone questions
the thrill of the tease
the intertwine of our legs
the bite marks on my toned shoulders
the way it gets me every time without fail
the bashful feeling of embarrassment, the "love" of secrecy
the power you hold of mine
the rotation of our dance

you are in my four corners. it's inevitable. you do something to me.

i'm here, really.

certain images of past times have been recurring in my mind lately and quite often. Some i enjoy, some i don't. some i miss, some i regret. A lot i regret to be honest. I actually don't know if it's even called regret. feels something like it though. I've found that the only feeling i can really feel now a days is when my head is spinning, dancing wildly. like after i chain smoke four cigarettes for example. it feels like snapshots. i'll be doing something completely unrelated to the moment in time in which i spark back to, and then it flashes. I don't know why my body forces me to remember things that i have worked my ass off to push away. I don't know what causes it. Sad things. emotionally draining memories that exhaust me and my heart. Echoes of pieces of time. i felt these certain pieces again today, and it knocked the wind out of me.

in a solitary instant i am taken back to that embrace

i wept. you wept. it was as if i was holding you for the very last time.

you held the gape of my neck like a parent holds a newborns fragile head.

your heavy breathing, our synchronized sobs.

the reaching back of your hand to mine.

i can still feel that hand i once loved to hold, longed to hold.

the grasp of your fingers in mine, the confused stares of our classmates

the smell of that church, the wetness of the tears that fell

my bead buried in the middle of your chest

your mouth forming the words, "just look at me. only me. look at me. just me."

staring into your deep eyes as they continued to read my stepfathers life

my mother clinging to that coffin, the ache i felt for her.

her shaking body, the digging of her nails

the events that ruined us, you, me forever.

that candles lit on that dark night of remembrance

you standing behind me, propping me, holding me

logan's uncontrollable and gut wrenching sobs as he stared at the sand on that street

the fall after his death

believing i held the entire world in those arms, in that warmth

the crumbling of that world

the endless chills your hate filled words brought upon my spine

falling out of love with you, finally

our eternal darkness, yours for me. me, numb.

pages and pages and pages of anger. seventeen exactly.

despising the touch i once yearned for

the affair i needed to fulfill, that i did, that you witnessed

the final fall of what you and i so beautifully created throughout five long years

crushed dreams and bitter realities

disappearing smells and disposing of clothing

taking the pictures off of my wall. not only figuratively.

the last and final time we interacted.

alcohol filled tears with your eyes so tightly shut. the disgust in your voice.

tattooing the memory of me on your ribs

my mother's inability to hold her infant son. the walky talky that awoke me.

her dark silhouette, his crib, her blank stares.

the breeze of my stepfather and the chill in the air of old home

the smell of my senior year of high school. so distinct.

feeling every break of my heart, watching you

the way my mothers face breaks into cries, shrivels

the dark that painted over my once warm heart

the way i was once able to believe i was in so love with you. so distant.

that fucking embrace. in the middle of that church. with his poor mother's wails in my ears, her hand raised to God, begging. that image will fiercely remain in my mind, with sporadic reminders, for the rest of my life. i have never held onto something so tightly, with such passion and heartbreak. with all of my strength from my head to my toes. with such real sadness. as if preparing me for what would become of you and i. the beginning of the end. i think that was the last time i was sane. healthy. able to love. i think thats when my love for you was the greatest it ever was. and the purest. i held onto you with every ounce of my heart and soul, unconditionally and uncontrollably. something bigger than my body clung to you. maybe thats why i still can't completely let go of you, why these images continue to come back. maybe its a reminder that i once was able to truly love something more than myself. more than i had ever loved anything. i cared more about holding onto those arms than i did my own life. i cared more for you in that embrace than i cared for myself. i refused to let go of you because i needed you to be held by me. and you refused to let go of me because i needed you to hold me. i finally understand that moment. it was a moment of true clarity as one describes. the only moment in my entire life so far where there was no distraction. nothing else was on my mind besides holding you. that never happens to me, my mind is a mess of chaos, always. but not then. not there. we refused to let go. we knew we were ending. the universe knew we were ending. you loved me once, forever in that embrace. in that embrace it didn't matter what was going on around us. i think that was the one and only time in our five years of shit that i knew without a single doubt that you were in love with me and only me. i swear i can still feel it. it hasn't faded even though you have, completely. i hope it never fades. i hope i have more moments like that throughout my life.

until then, you, and that embrace, are my inability to ever love someone again.

i'm ready. please just let go already.

sane.

I've decided to erase February.
All of the bullshit and the struggles and the anxiety that filled my veins and my nerves and my head. Happiness is chosen and accepted. I choose happiness. I've decided to be healthy again. I've decided to research therapy up here and to write more and to fucking speak rather than choking back the words i crave to say but am too scared to. February was a blur and i am erasing it. It was my lowest, my pit of darkness and my worst. Everybody needs a February though, everybody needs to have that point in their life where nothing works out and you literally think you're going to die every morning you wake up because the pain is so unbearable. February's prepare you and guide you to better days. Nothing is handed to you on a platter, nothing is given without needing something in return and nothing is easy. Life would be dull without struggle and even though there are days where you wish and pray for absolutely anything other than the life you are living, there come days where you realize. A light turns on and pieces of the puzzle become clear and that sigh of relief feels like heaven. It is heaven, figuring out the solution. I look back on all the times where i felt inadequate, incomplete and terribly alone and i breathe into the fact of knowing that i am so much more. I am brilliant and capable and the world isn't ready for me. I know that i can succeed and i will.
Goodbye February, you won't be missed.
and thank you.

20

Tomorrow is my birthday and every time someone mentions it my eyes well up with tears and i have no idea why. the thoughts in my head confuse me and i feel myself changing. literally it feels as though my skin is moving, constantly. my mind is racing to find peace and happiness. i am aching to smile. something inside me is screaming 24/7 and it is exhausting me. my body is begging me to get help and my heart is yearning to talk but my mouth remains shut. i haven't felt this numb in a long time and i thought i was doing so well. i can't even smile how pathetic is that. if i could get in my car and just drive to whoever fucking knows where, i would. if i had all the money in the world i would buy myself luxury and wouldn't feel the least bit selfish. i want nothing but normal and it scares me that that will never happen for me. i feel so useless and wasteful and just incomplete. my heart knows that something is missing but i can't figure it out. messages are being sent throughout my veins, telling me something, but everyday i think i have it figured out my mind changes. sometimes i feel so in tune lately, when the breeze will blow and i get a chill down the back of my neck and i feel as though i've got this whole life under control. i'll take a drag of smoke and close my eyes and feel weightless. i'll sit soaking in the tub in scorching hot water with music playing and i feel so sensual. i'll wake up energized and feel as though it will be a good day and then it's not. the question of why shit has to change will forever be imprinted in my brain. nothing is good enough for me. i feel so incredibly alone in a room full of my very best friends. nobody can see underneath my wall, not a single soul. people used to, but not anymore. those people are gone, vanished. they have exited my life without turning back and i barely remember what they feel like. i barely remember what anything feels like. my days are numb and my heart is cold and to be honest i don't fucking care. i just want balance. i just want love. i need to be kissed and adored and i need someone to sleep next to me. i need to hear someone's breathing. i need someone to watch me when i sleep and feel at ease. the way i used to be is aching to come alive again but i know i'm not ready right now. i need to be good to somebody, for them and for myself. i need to try and i need to feel and i need to make somebody laugh. love laugh. i want soft kisses on my chest and back. i want soft grazes of touch on my forearm up to my shoulders and back again. i want love sweet and tender yet more passionate than anything i have ever been able to feel. i want someone to look at me again and really fucking look at me. i want to slow down. i want warmth under a blanket with comfort in my heart and a beautiful boy by my side. i want serenity. i want companionship and guidance and everything i've ever needed to say with just a look from an eye. i want someone to watch me and want me with every ounce of them it makes them shift. i want to be not what i am today. i want new. i want to be what i know i can be. i will be. someday. i am loveable i promise.

to become what you want

the smell of candles really can change your mood, as can turning the fan on and shutting the lights off. it's funny how one day you can feel one thing and 24 hours later it's gone. i was feeling really, strangely positive about two days ago. i meditated with candles and i think it put me in a good mood for the entire next day. i felt rejuvenated and clean and healthy. today, i felt sick and groggy and unstable. i just find it so interesting how that can happen. i've cried everyday for the last two weeks. hard tears. but today i heard my mom cry even harder and it hurt my heart in a way i can't even begin to explain. i had so much anger towards her and i built up all of these sentences that i was stubbornly ready to spit out at her, but when i heard her sobbing on the other end of the line i shut the fuck up. i yelled at first and i was mean. but then once she started to cry like that, all i could do was tell her it was okay and that she didn't need to be sorry. i just want to fast forward to like, idk a month from now. my biggest fear is that my face won't be better on my birthday which is in 14 days. i can't even imagine not being able to take pictures with my best friends on the day i turn 20. This year is the first year i won't be with my mom on my birthday and she is so heartbroken over it, as am i. I also wont be there to see Jake turn 4 which really hurts. So many things in my life just seem sad right now. really, really sad.

mama

I need this back.
I need my mom.
I dream about her every time i close my eyes.
I long to talk to her, to laugh with her, to curse with her, to fuck shit up with her, anything.
Its been almost two weeks without my mom and she isn't getting any better.
She's resilient, like me, and extremely stubborn.
I need her smile in her voice as she talks to me
I dont think ive smiled since i last talked to her when she was healthy.
I can't feel anything without her, i refuse to live without her and i have come to find out that its physically impossible. Our hearts have grown so close that when she's not here, i'm not here. When she's not okay, neither am i. I worry beyond worry about her and i'm scared for her. for my baby brothers. I'm scared of being the oldest, and the closest thing my mom has. There's so much pressure on me because i literally am the closest thing to my mother that has ever lived. i need her back and i need her back now. i need her to help me make decisions that i have stupidly shoved in my back pocket for so long now that are, as i was warned, coming to the surface again. today, i cried in my pillow like a baby. i cried for my mom.