talkmedown.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo3lxS-6joY

this might be the most beautiful song i've ever heard. i haven't been on my music game lately but the times i have a fucking minute of free time to listen to new shit is my favorite time of day. troye sivan is actually amazing. definitely worth a listen. he's been on more than repeat. i think i have a crush on him. gay, shmay.

holidays 2015. why is time going by so fast? i think this was the best year of my life. best i've had in a while that's for sure. so much work. possibilities. opportunities. it feels so good. new things. old things. i need to start reading more. i used to read so much, like all the time. resolution? ha.

i've been making a lot of things happen for myself lately, simply by asking for them. universe is on my side. thank god. i wish it was colder outside, this rain and heat is unbearable. it feels so. fucking. good to be able to drive again. is it so bad that i just want it to be cold out so i can roll my window down and smoke a cigarette with the cold? watch myself blow out the smoke into the wind?

i love to cry sometimes. i really am happy! things are good. but i love to cry. i love to listen to music and end up in tears. i love to watch things and end up in tears. wet cheeks, hard to breathe. so inspired. craving dance. craving movement. craving sex. i need to have more sex. i need to be touched more. i need to be kissed more. i need to be tasted more. i miss it. i want it. i need to write more. i need to feel. 

i wonder what the soundtrack of who i am would be.

i think about that all the time. 

nature.

https://soundcloud.com/thecitrusclouds/nature

I've tried so hard but I can't get you out of my mind

I feel like I'm still untangling your lies - your lies

You put this poison in my pen - you did, you did

Took the heart beat straight out of my chest

I'm soaked in the ashes

How can I breathe in this smoke?

You watched the fire burn out

You left the cold, you left the cold

I'm lost out here

I can't run from this storm

I've never felt wounds like this

How do I heal if I'm torn?

If I could change how the river flowed

I'd drift straight back to you

Even if I could hold back this rain

I know your love will never stay

I need to face this waterfall [young hearts run free]

I'll face this waterfall

I't's my only escape - from you

I watched the colors fade from this place

Until everything washed away, away 

If I stay here I know I'll suffer - i know, i know

I'm a hostage in this thunder

I'm struggling in my surrender

This love is so far gone

I can't withstand this weather

I've been here for too long

I'm lost out here

I can't run from this storm

I feel the change in the wind

I can't feel you no more

If I could change how the river flowed

I'd drift straight back to you

Even if I could hold back this rain

I know your love will never stay

I need to face this waterfall [young hearts run free]

I'll face this waterfall

I't's my only escape - from you

pink sands.

one pair of candy lips & your bubblegum tongue.

sometimes i feel worthless. pathetic, even. it makes me sad. i know i am not. i know i am more than this. but sometimes i just cant figure out how i managed to fuck up my life to the limits i am currently dealing with. what am i going to do with my life? i know that's the number one google search but really. will i survive? will i make it? will i do what i know i am capable of? i hope so.

i'm really proud of myself for writing. taking time to do things that truly define who i am. headphones in ear. this morning i sang alanis morrissette and recorded it. showed the world. i attempted to have confidence. i had a great rehearsal today. i still dance like i used to. at times i feel better. i wish i had the chance to have more training. maybe i will. i think i am doing a good job. so many of my one time friends no longer dance at all. and that also makes me sad. they know they should.

i felt responsible tonight. so many times i feel defeated. but tonight i felt worthy. in the eyes of the eight year old half of me. "you're the best sister in the world." he says. he means it. with every fiber of his teeny little bony body. it warms my face. i'm the old me to him. the real one.

i think of DH often. did i really go through that? did it really happen? what a strange but interesting time of my life. i will never forget. i will always be right there in the middle of it. i will snap my fingers and teleport back. how crazy. how exhilarating. how difficult. how natural.

there is reassurance everywhere. there is kindness and meaning. there is truth.

i lit a candle tonight called "pink sands" and for some reason it smells as a sand of pink would to me. is there even such thing as a pink sand? where?

i know there is more than this. i know it.

wilder minds.

It is 5:08 p.m. and I am a lovely version of above the clouds, sitting at my mahogany oak dinner table, listening to the new Mumford & Sons album, reading Christopher Poindetxer's poetry. How fucking Urban Outfitters of me. I had an awesome day today. I don't remember the last time I had a really AWESOME day. One that deserved recognition. I just did things on my own time today, for once. And I was oddly productive. By productive, I mean I did multiple things throughout the day, on my watch. I went to the bank, I laid out in my driveway with the new People magazine because it was a gorgeous day, I ate a sub, I'm writing. I feel like me. I'm getting my nails done at 6:30, I have an appointment. I watched youtube videos today. I'm about to download some music. I'm using my soul. My soul is active. I feel like my insides are smiling. I can't wait to see him. I was optimistic today. I let things be. I looked onward.

caledonia.

miles and miles stand between us but it feels like you are always next to me and I can’t stand how much I love that. I sometimes forget how much time we spent together but it all comes back the instant I see your face.  In the little things, really. The number 239. Dog parks. Honey roasted turkey. Its fucking blasphemous, really. You’re everywhere. My entire atmosphere revolves around you. Everything I do. All I want is to tell you about my day. Share with you. Laugh with you. Lay with you. My stomach turns when I think about holding you. But in a good way. I sit uncomfortably on a bus that slowly drives twelve hours to get to where you are so I can be there for a few before I have to leave you yet again. It’s so unfair. But I must believe it’s helping us grow. At least that’s what I tell myself to feel better about the distance. I think we both need to grow. And learn. And adapt. And mature. God damn I love you so much I feel like I will never be able to get over you. I will never be able to choose somebody over you. You will always be first. You will always be mine. Every song that I sing every show I perform you are the only one I want to watch. 

it’s a different kind of love though. I’ve felt love before. This is eternal. It will never fade it will never go away no matter how hard I try. I love you too much. Even when I don’t romantically love you, I love you.

i love everything about you so much that at times I hate you. I hear you everywhere. In well written lyrics that I find. during a love scene in the new television series I started last week. In the lavender hand soap I know you would enjoy tasting on my skin. In the new recipe my mother sent me I wish I could make with you. I wish I could see you. I wish I could go back. I wish I could go forward. 

every time I leave you the tears just seem to flow. uncontrollably. I don't think you really understand it, you think it's me "being sad." but sad isn't the greatest word to describe it. I wish I could pinpoint the feeling but I can't. All i know is tears stream down my face  and they will. not. stop. and every time i see you you look so damn good i want no one else to look at you. it's like every time we leave each other we fall back harder and deeper and stronger. bittersweet. I have a strong feeling we will be dancing this dance for the rest of our lives.

from the girl who made you soup.

I never imagined that we would be here.

I never imagined we would have what we have. but neither did you. no one ever expects it really.

As I sit here with headphones on, blasting lyrics I currently connect with, pouring wine into my already wet glass from the one before, I can't believe I let it go this far. I can't continue to pour salt on the wounds that YOU gave me,

I'm done with this poetic shit. you suck. point blank.

We break up to make up but now we can't physically make up due to the miles that exist between us. Break ups are bull shit. No one you're intimate with ever really leaves you. Even the boy who i never thought would speak to me again still contacts me, eight years later.

You have imprinted yourself within me. and I don't know how to feel about that. I feel different emotions at different times. But i won't allow myself to feel emotions based on YOUR actions for one more fucking millisecond. You know that you do that to me, and you take advantage of it.

I will always love you. but I must admit at the moment it doesn't feel as strong as it once did. it faded. and that's sad. but it's your fault. I have always deserved more than you can give me. I pray that you live with that for the rest of your life.

You were my best friend.