your song.

My mother is a real life angel. The purest woman i've ever known.

Her grace and elegance is something i can only dream of, and her courage and strength gives me chills. She is my very best friend. She is my other half. She is my guardian and my savior and the only person i truly believe in. Her words of artistry can bring anyone to tears. Her brilliance is portrayed in everything she does. In acting, in directing, in parenting, in loving, in dreaming, in speaking. Her life is what i base mine upon. Her struggles and battles inspire me to share her stories. My stories. Our stories. Her delicacy and fragility combine into this mess of beauty that i admire so deeply. She craves answers to things that God has stolen from her. That God has stripped her of. I crave answers for her. I will be her answer. I will carry her with me in every daily breath i take. I simply cannot live without her. A perfect day to me is sitting on a porch with her, cocktail and cigarette in hand, just being. Laughing. Recalling past moments where i have been so stupid. Where she has picked me up off the ground with her small bare hands that resemble mine identically. Where she has put her life on hold, for me. God bless a love that strong. That true. A day without hearing her voice brings me anxiety. I am her. She is me. We are us. I'd live her daily pain if i could. I'd take back the tears she's cried, the fear she's felt, the rock bottom she's hit. I'd put it all on me in exchange for peace and happiness in her heart. The pride i see in her eyes, the passion in her words when she speaks of me, the love she shows when she wipes my tears. I've never known a love like that. I just know that i have learned everything from her. Every thought, every belief, every hope that i stubbornly cling to is all thanks to her. Her god given talent that she has passed down to me, i could never thank anybody enough as her. The ability she has planted in my veins astounds me with every discovery i make about myself. the soul that i have is hers. and hers is mine. I always wonder if people see her brilliance the way i do. I know my father doesn't and i hate him for belittling her. Or maybe he does and just hates himself for letting her go and fucking things up. The man who loves my mother is the luckiest bastard in the world. Her one true love was stolen from her three years ago and her heart will never mend. No matter how hard i try to heal her, it's unbearable. My stepfather's death has turned my world upside down. Brought me to the highest of highs and fuck knows the lowest of lows. But he wasn't my lover. He wasn't my best friend. He didn't leave my mom with a 17 month old son, his only biological child. That's just wrong.

I'll never forget the day she called me and told me that her and jake were standing outside, looking at the stars. Jake asked, "is daddy up there?" She said, "yes." He said, "i can hear him singing up there."

God knows i will die knowing that that four year old statement is the absolute truth.

He is singing.

He's singing for my mother, as he always did.

I can hear it too.

i'd come.

I'd come for you now if i could.

I'd get in my car with all the worst intentions, buckle my belt over trembling thighs and attempt to steer my unsteady wheel. I'd tell you to your face that she can't love you like i can. I'd tell her. I'd come for you now and open your door and be whatever i want to be right to your face. I'd watch you watch me explain. I'd watch your face wander across my body, i'd watch you ache as you watch me speak. I'd light a fire in your eyes and make you feel me once again. Like i know you want to. Like everyone knows you want to. Like she knows you want to. She watches you want me. I admire her silence, her insecurity and immaturity. I like the way she wishes me away every time she sees me. Is that wrong? I don't care. I'd touch you so softly you couldn't get my hands out of your mind. I'd erase our time apart and pick up the pieces i left you with. I know it's my fault, and now i'm the one to suffer. To crave. To daydream. My mind goes to you when i think of sexuality. Sensuality. Love. My brain remembers and my body shakes and i gain the ability to have the courage it takes to say those drunken words to you after the vodka has settled. You look so good and i'm proud of that. I still picture you as mine. I still speak of you as mine. Is that insane? I don't care. This idea is mine. I have put you on an entirely different pedestal and i keep you there with hope. I keep you in my stars. I keep you in my desires. Our history has beautifully created our everlasting chemistry. It's heartbreaking at times. Not even for me but for people who see it. They don't understand why we aren't together. Why we gave up. Why we stopped. Halt. Chopped and cut like a shitty verse of a rough draft.

i will always want you, and love you as the man you have become. that you have been since you carried my cardboard boxes into my summer dorm. with the lyrics you've read me. with the songs you've played me. with the sweet kisses you've given me. with the words you've said, and meant with everything you've ever known and believed. with your unconscious ability to continue to love and want me no matter how much pain i bring you. no matter how crazy and dark i can get. no matter the number of times i've let you down. no matter how many promises i've broken. your disregard to all of that is what makes my heart churn. you were the one to change my life, the life that i lived for years. you brought a new kind of light into my life that i had never known before. never knew existed or was even possible. love was pain to me. dramatic. cold. sad. but you changed that for me. you changed me all together. and i changed you. she will never affect you like i do. i still feel as though every time i see you i am allowed to run into your arms, cradle your neck in my small hands and kiss you long and hard. like you used to love. it's hard holding that back, having to stop myself. it just feels so normal, easy and right.

i want you back. and i will get you back.

and together, we will glue each other back to health.