forgiveness

This scent upon my hands so strongly smells of your skin.

After the long and scorching hot showers we would take.

tasting the soap on our spines as our fingers ran through damp strands of hair.

i miss that taste. or maybe i just miss being able to taste it, the ability and knowledge of a love i never understood yet would give my life for. i miss the certainty that i could drive to your house after a long night and know you would come outside just to kiss me goodnight, and hold me in your arms for what seemed like hours. i miss the anticipation between ringing bells when i knew you would turn the corner and smile at me like i was the only important thing in your universe. i miss the comfort of the jealous stares we would receive, as we walked hand in hand around our city. i miss the warmth of sleeping next to you, our bodies both completely naked, with nothing to hide. no insecurities. no thought of time. as if we would lie there forever, making love as the days passed. i miss the swelling of my lips from you swallowing me in kisses every chance you had. i miss the chills i'd get from your hands on me, touching all of me as if my body never ended. i miss the random words just because you were thinking of me, i miss the dinner dates and the late nights in your car. i miss the laughs, the inside jokes only we knew and never bothered even trying to explain. i miss our families believing in our love. i miss myself believing in love. i miss the fingertips, the embraces from behind, the movies we watched, the songs we related to, the feelings we felt. your head on my chest as if it were cemented there, belonged there, and would stay there forever. i miss the passion in your eyes as you watched me perform, every time i danced, without fail. the beaming from your eyes as you watched me move. the excitement you would experience as i caught your eye across the room. i even miss the abuse. the nasty words you chose to speak of me, to me, about me. i miss the screams on the other line as you told me what i did wrong, which was almost everything. i miss the ignorance and stubbornness you possess. i miss the dirty looks from your friends. i miss the tears i cried, i cried a river if not more. i miss the shoves, the strength in your fists as i watched you clench them in anger. the bulge of your arms as you emphasized that anger. i haven't felt passion like that since. almost two years now. i don't know what my life would be like if you had never found out, but it would probably be a complete and utter opposite from the life i'm living now. and have been living for the past year since we spoke. since we touched. since we yelled. since we cried. god knows it's felt like centuries. i couldn't tell you a single thing about you anymore and neither could you about me. sometimes, at night, i catch my mind wandering to the place that you are. after a tumultuous four years i can honestly say i wish you happiness. i wish you peace. and i wish you love. true love. like we used to feel. like i will always feel for you. i tell our story with pain and hurt yet when i speak of how it affected me i can only smile. i can only remember the good times, and how they have transformed me. even the bad times, have made me who i am today. especially the bad times. because of you, i now know exactly the kind of man i want to be with. and exactly the kind of woman i want to be to him. it is nothing like you and i were. it is a love filled with wonder and hope and kind words along with precious moments. it is a love that grows and gives, not takes and hides. it is a love that is never ending, and accepting, something you never were. it is being woken up by romance and going to bed with it as well. it is tears of joy in the emergency room as i give birth to my first child. it is strongly held hands through times of sorrow and loving every piece that i hold. it is not running away when times get hard, it is not shoving me away. it is not leaving me for some dumb bitch who you then cheated on me with months later. it is not fuck you and it is not you're a bitch. it is i love you, my darling, you are everything to me. it is, you complete me and without you i wouldn't be me. it is, how have i gone so long without having you, i need you for the rest of time. it is, i want all of you always, i want you to be my wife. i want you by my side. in my four corners. for eternity.

at this point in time, i can solemnly say that i do not miss you.

i do not miss anything about you.

i miss feelings that I myself felt. that I learned from. that I believed. that I encountered with my heart and my body and my soul.

but not you.

i miss nothing of the person that you are.

fuck you, for stealing my belief of what i know is possible for so long.

you have caused me more pain that you will ever know.

and i am the strongest that i have ever been

since the day you shut me out.

i have never looked back, if not for a moment to remember a part of me that will always be gone. you have taken a piece of me that i will never be able to get back. but someone else will be able to fill that void with the most concrete of love. and you will be buried, forever, until i am asked about my very first love again. but by then, you will be a faded and forgotten memory. i hope i only know of your name.

beneath the masks

drag me like a cigarette, i'll be your nicotine

and kiss me soft and sweet darling, compliment my dreams

wrap me like a present, i'm far sweeter under my seams

hold me like a child, hesitate to let me go

and fuck me like you did last night,

it's unbelievable, i know.

touch me like an angel would, if they could touch your skin

and breathe me like a passing wind, the kind you feel warm in

crave me like an addict would, if it had been some time

like when they first had tried cocaine and they were in their prime.

stare so far into my eyes that you truly feel lost,

and lock me in your arms tonight as if there were no cost

i swear by this, i really do, just standing near to you

the fire and the spark between our bodies proves it's true

with not much to believe in, i still ache to trust in this

maybe i'm insane or simply terrified of bliss

but your number seems to flash upon my phone so late at night

and this feeling that waves through me clearly proves my theory right

i'll wait for you, i'll wait for this, i'll wait for all it takes

the recklessness that has beautifully hand crafted my mistakes

that's my flaw, this you know, but i think you kind of like

i'm broken and i'm messy yet this makes us so alike

you have all of me completely on a string held by those hands

and the justice of this situation i will never understand

but waking up with you is like nothing words could say

i want us naked in your bed every second, every day

you've done this to me, this is entirely your fault

your body and this wine manipulated me from the start

i'm captivated, motivated, and for me this is so rare

and these bites along my neckline show that no one can compare

the shake of my legs, the rock of your hips and those lips i long to taste

Lord please don't let these moments fail and fade away to waste

It's a crime, you and I, but it feels so fucking good

it feels the way perfection feels and how certainty should.

just lay with me and pass the day we'll feed eachothers needs

this puzzle we're completing makes me eager to succeed

i'd die for this happily and risk it all on cue

cause more and more, the seconds pass, i'm more in love with you

noon

The stars align our names with the thought of what's forbidden

what is the definition of aching and yearning and desire

and the sky lights up over spots on the earth filled with speeding cars

and loud vibrations

and you and i

and us

and we

with your fingers grasped in mine i swear i could conquer this mess called life

and a mother cradles her newborn baby

and a father guides his son with a wooden bat and glove

and two lovers lie awake just for the thrill of the chemistry in the room

and you look at me

through me

with me

and i'm oh so sure of what i have no idea of

and i'm oh so definite about something i can't even speak about

and i'm oh so set on this possibility we've created

and explored

and attempted

and began

and the clock strikes noon and the bird flies home and the clouds fill up with rain

and the song gently plays and the moonlight dims and the candle burns a flame

and the widow cries and the elderly dies and the heartbreaker accepts the blame

and i love you

and i hope you love me too

and i think you love me too

and i wish you love me too

and you love me.

the art of cravings

Come.closer.

I ache for your stare, those green eyes that remain constant in my mind. in my thoughts. in my desires. I ache for the turn of your head as i enter the room. I see it. Or maybe i just wish for it. Your lips on my neck, down my spine. my creases. my curves. The taste of your tongue on mine. The spark of this flame we both feel yet deny. It happened. It was born, ignited.

Uncontrollable, undeniable, unfixable.

for gods sake.

your sculpted, painfully gorgeous body. your words that always manage to make me smile, inside and out. the sense of humor that mimics my own. the wisdom i admire, so. We are so beautifully forbidden. So in sync. Surreal. Typical. the match of our personalities. the similar taste of styles. still so unbelievable. the discussions afterwards, the excitement in our faces. in your voice on the other end of the line. admitting. accepting. acknowledging and admiring. i can't stop.

the crossing of lines, the need to yet again. the want. the smell of your skin. the amazing friendship. our creation. the matching of our souls. fate.

It all goes back to what is written in the stars, what is destined. When a certain someone touches your life in a way that you can't begin to explain. That you sheepishly deny with rosy cheeks. That causes your heart to burn when you hear his name. Your skin to tingle. Your fists to clench and release. That you attempt to belittle which only creates the growth. The fuel to the fire. The burning of bridges. Secrecy. Pacts. Promises. The wink in your eye. The act i put on, that you put on. The unknown.

I look up to the sky and see you every single time.

I look to my right and wish for you every single time.

I look ahead of me and see your face every single time.

I look behind me and hope you are there every single time.

I look around and want you to be there every single time.

I let my mind wander and wind up with you every single time.

Assumptions. Expectations. Racing thoughts. Endless possibilities.

Is it just me?

It can't be.

It's too wonderful to be on my mind only.

Too perfect.

We would be so great, we will. one day. someday. i think. i know and i pray and i hope and i wish.

You are the epitome of what a perfect man would be for me. a perfect relationship.

The time will come. it's not now. it's not soon.

but it's there....

prayer.

I want so many things i don't know if i even know where to start. I found myself praying out loud tonight and i want to put it in writing.

I want happiness. I want clarity. I want to taste the wind and feel the sun. I want to be extraordinary. I want to be inspired. I want to dance in front of millions of people,forever. I want to touch people and i want to be touched. I want great things for anybody i have ever came in contact with, even those i swore i'd never think of again. I want lots of loves, yet one that i know is the concrete. I want moments. I want time. I want toned arms and tan skin and i want to kiss all over each trace. I want someone to want to sleep beside me, just to know i'm there. I want nights of love and mornings of even more. I want vacations. I want the thrill of drugs without the toxins they trail along. I want to see, everything. I want success. I want money. I want to always give, no matter the situation. I want to be respected. I want value. I want truth. I want my mistakes to fade. I want nobody to ever feel pain. I want Chris to fly forever above and i want Bruce to always be singing. I want my mother to be at peace. I want love surrounding my atmosphere, all four corners. I want the moment when you know you are making a memory you will never forget. I want music, always. always and always. I want to write, always. I want grasped hands and touching toes. I want babies. I want to be a wife. I want homemade dinners and romantic dates. I want to travel, everywhere and anywhere. I want to help. I want to speak. I want words. I want to do well in school. I want to want to do well in school. I want laughter. I want smiles. I want to never go to bed mad, at anyone or about anything. I want to wake up smiling. I want a house of my own, with wooden floors and french doors. I want everything i could ever want. I want my brother to always play baseball. I want my other brother to be as full of life forever as he is now at four years old. I want growth. I want the ability to move on. I want to always forgive, when forgiveness should be granted. I want experience. I want wisdom. I want faith. I want to never stop. I want people to smile when they think of me, speak of me. I want to know there is something there i simply can't explain. I want the unknown. I want long drives. I want sweet kisses, all over. I want peace. I want the smell of a thunderstorm. I want lit candles and hot baths and damp skin. I want to provide. I want to be selfless. I want karma to slap some people in the face harder than my fist ever could. I want strength. I want the strumming of a guitar and my daddy's voice. I want the stars. I want space. I want tears of pure joy. I want feeling. I want emotion. I want extreme passion. I want exercise. I want photographs. I want conversation. I want story-telling. I want you and me. I want a heart full of a multitude of things. I want natural. I want long phone calls. I want life long friends. I want a beautiful wedding gown. I want oversized sweatshirts that still smell like you. I want to reminisce. I want a long life. I want healthy addictions. I want to be known. I want to be important. I want to be special. I want to be adored. I want great pleasures. I want angels. I want work. I want opportunity. I want to make a mark on this earth, in this life. I want my name plastered on billboards. on skyscrapers. I want boat rides. I want wine. I want decisions. I want books. I want art. I want movement. I want talent. I want to teach and i want to be taught. I want guidance. I want advice. I want psychology. I want astrology. I want things i can call mine and only mine. I want traits. I want understanding. I want pretty words, written and whispered to me. I want long and hard embraces. I want constant. I want to be unafraid. I want to be daring. I want sex appeal. I want adventure. I want creativity. I want creation. I want help along the way. I want to live forever. I want my first love to always think of me and remember me, as i will him. I want the smell of a dance competition. I want the things i have achieved to always be special to me. I want things i have gained to stay with me. I want a love that nobody can understand. I want my face on movie screens. I want my voice on loud speakers. I want chaos. I want messy. I want what i define as perfect. I want to be heard. I want to hear. I want to listen. I want all of this and more. so much more.

different streets.

Oh Juliet, when we made love you used to cry
Used to swear like the stars above
Well, you'd love me till the day that we died
Well, there's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?
"Romeo and Juliet" - Edwin Mccain

I always wonder how people can claim to promise to love somebody until the day they die. Don't get me wrong, those words were once concrete in my mind, and i said them often. But now that that flame has burned out, i wonder. I wonder if that is possible. We are designed to crave a love that even time will lie down and be still for. We are designed to always want more. More passion, more kissing, more sex, more surprises, more presents, more time, more lenience, more more more. So how is it possible to promise to love one person for the rest of your life. I have a long road ahead of me, and those words are so easy to say. they're words. I try to take myself back to the time in my life where i honestly believed those words. I said and received them, and they felt good. They felt real. But they weren't. I never expected this life, this consequence. Actually, delete that word, i'd choose this life over my old mindset any day of the week. How naive, how young i was, inside and out. I now laugh, which i never thought i would be able to do. The temperature of that bathroom floor felt absolute, my mother begging me to get up and move on. and i couldn't. the wails that poured out of my mouth, the tears from my eyes, never ending. how can i not remember that? did i block it out? did i just get over it? it's silly to me. it is such a distant memory, fading more and more each day. It is so, far away.

Lately, i have learned the meaning of a true friend. I have been exposed to what is false, what shouldn't be. My universe has felt off track when it comes to friendships. I have seen things i would never be physically able to do. I have realized that i would go above and beyond for just about anybody, yet i can only name one hand's worth of people who would reciprocate. If even that many. That, too, is funny to me. Am i just made to be that way? Are my chemicals made to be selfless and so giving that it hurts me? Id take the pain if it would leave you. I would. I'd suffer for you and i would deal with it because i can take it. I have taken it. And i pushed through it, and will again. I can literally feel the layer of skin that has settled over my past and it's thick as fuck. It's new and wonderful and it's smart. I have felt the warmth of friendship too don't get me wrong. I have felt the birth of smiles when you came back home. The reassurance, the laughs and the love. The amount of value i have in that. The true interest i had in hearing you ramble about nothing, how i couldn't listen to anything else in the world but your voice. How it made me realize how much i need certain people in my life to survive. I need the comfort of them, the people that they are, in my atmosphere. The faith that there are genuine people in this life. that i'm never alone.

I've done some things lately that i'm not proud of, however, i don't regret them as much as i thought i would. I feel as though they were destined to happen. I've thought that for a while now, getting to know certain people and the way they are. And i know you feel the same way. You are a dead end road of possibility that lead us to where we are. And now i feel stopped, forbidden and wrong. Yet at the same time, i feel reassured and hopeful. Hopeful that maybe, what i believe in my heart, has the ability to in fact be true. That i'm not crazy, that you aren't either. That maybe there is something like a person you probably should be with, meant to be with. Maybe, just maybe, there is a certain kind of forever that is real. That maybe, adding fuel to the fire doesn't always have to be in a bad way. Maybe it's a way of seeing things brighter, clearer. When a fire grows bigger, so does the color of the flame. the brightness increases. darkness fades along with the shadows in the room. that has to mean something right? or is that yet another oxymoron that life provides just to drive you nuts? Hm. all we can do is wait. and i will sit here, and wait, and endlessly wonder. and i feel you do the same.