in a solitary instant i am taken back to that embrace
i wept. you wept. it was as if i was holding you for the very last time.
you held the gape of my neck like a parent holds a newborns fragile head.
your heavy breathing, our synchronized sobs.
the reaching back of your hand to mine.
i can still feel that hand i once loved to hold, longed to hold.
the grasp of your fingers in mine, the confused stares of our classmates
the smell of that church, the wetness of the tears that fell
my bead buried in the middle of your chest
your mouth forming the words, "just look at me. only me. look at me. just me."
staring into your deep eyes as they continued to read my stepfathers life
my mother clinging to that coffin, the ache i felt for her.
her shaking body, the digging of her nails
the events that ruined us, you, me forever.
that candles lit on that dark night of remembrance
you standing behind me, propping me, holding me
logan's uncontrollable and gut wrenching sobs as he stared at the sand on that street
the fall after his death
believing i held the entire world in those arms, in that warmth
the crumbling of that world
the endless chills your hate filled words brought upon my spine
falling out of love with you, finally
our eternal darkness, yours for me. me, numb.
pages and pages and pages of anger. seventeen exactly.
despising the touch i once yearned for
the affair i needed to fulfill, that i did, that you witnessed
the final fall of what you and i so beautifully created throughout five long years
crushed dreams and bitter realities
disappearing smells and disposing of clothing
taking the pictures off of my wall. not only figuratively.
the last and final time we interacted.
alcohol filled tears with your eyes so tightly shut. the disgust in your voice.
tattooing the memory of me on your ribs
my mother's inability to hold her infant son. the walky talky that awoke me.
her dark silhouette, his crib, her blank stares.
the breeze of my stepfather and the chill in the air of old home
the smell of my senior year of high school. so distinct.
feeling every break of my heart, watching you
the way my mothers face breaks into cries, shrivels
the dark that painted over my once warm heart
the way i was once able to believe i was in so love with you. so distant.
that fucking embrace. in the middle of that church. with his poor mother's wails in my ears, her hand raised to God, begging. that image will fiercely remain in my mind, with sporadic reminders, for the rest of my life. i have never held onto something so tightly, with such passion and heartbreak. with all of my strength from my head to my toes. with such real sadness. as if preparing me for what would become of you and i. the beginning of the end. i think that was the last time i was sane. healthy. able to love. i think thats when my love for you was the greatest it ever was. and the purest. i held onto you with every ounce of my heart and soul, unconditionally and uncontrollably. something bigger than my body clung to you. maybe thats why i still can't completely let go of you, why these images continue to come back. maybe its a reminder that i once was able to truly love something more than myself. more than i had ever loved anything. i cared more about holding onto those arms than i did my own life. i cared more for you in that embrace than i cared for myself. i refused to let go of you because i needed you to be held by me. and you refused to let go of me because i needed you to hold me. i finally understand that moment. it was a moment of true clarity as one describes. the only moment in my entire life so far where there was no distraction. nothing else was on my mind besides holding you. that never happens to me, my mind is a mess of chaos, always. but not then. not there. we refused to let go. we knew we were ending. the universe knew we were ending. you loved me once, forever in that embrace. in that embrace it didn't matter what was going on around us. i think that was the one and only time in our five years of shit that i knew without a single doubt that you were in love with me and only me. i swear i can still feel it. it hasn't faded even though you have, completely. i hope it never fades. i hope i have more moments like that throughout my life.
until then, you, and that embrace, are my inability to ever love someone again.
i'm ready. please just let go already.
