flightless bird.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LXmYcyZzek

Not talkin' 'bout a year
No not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems 
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems 
to be around when it ends
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do From you

my mother, who is recovering from a horrible mental breakdown just six months ago, just came into my room and told me that her brother is going to die from the cancer he was diagnosed with only a month ago. i held her hand and hugged her frail, 90 pound body and told her that miracles happen even though they have given him less than a few months to live. they said chemo won't work, that his body is too weak. they thought they got it all out only two weeks ago when they removed his kidney. now it has spread, to his liver and his organs and his blood. so quickly. in a blink. the worst that could happen has happened. in a matter of weeks! i just don't understand. she went to my aunts for the night and the second she closed my door i dropped to my knees and prayed. idk who i prayed to but i prayed. please don't let him die. please. don't. let. him. die. i screamed.

when i was a little girl, i used to think my uncle was the coolest man around. his big belly laugh and his love for barbecue and family and holidays and football. the browns suck i would say, shut up emily he would say. his jokes that weren't that funny and his big, loud, rumbling voice as he walked in our door. he always smelled good and he always took naps on thanksgiving. it's the turkey! he would say. the stories he would tell of their sister who also passed away. that's now everyone. my mom is about to be the only one left. she has lost her mother, father, sister, husband, and now brother. he's not gone yet and i want to be positive but also realistic. how can someone endure so much loss? how does she go on? she's so strong. even when she breaks, she's strong. 

i wish i knew my mom's sister. she died in a car accident on my mom's 21st birthday. fuck, right? she was a pot smoking, hippie, lesbian who would send my mom checks for $10 in the '70's and tell her to buy her and her college friends some pizza. how cool! my mom loves to talk about her. she died over 30 years ago and she still cries. she'll never not cry. i wouldn't either. i always cry about bruce. i always cry about everything. but my mom's sister was the shit apparently. i wish i could talk to her. just once! same with her dad. my grandma was never the same after my grandpa died, my mom says. no one in the family was. he was the glue. he was so funny, they say. even my dad says that. he met her dad but not her sister. my mom's family is so fucked up but i kinda like it. she has so many tales and jokes about them i wish i could experience it for just a second. my mom used to be so different. 

i wish i could take my mom's pain and feel it for myself. i could take it. i would! she doesn't deserve this. fuck. she won't be able to deal with this. i worry she won't be the same. my mom loves her brother so much. so, so much. she won't be okay. she has to be okay. 

i promise to pray everyday. i promise to be nicer to her. i promise to hold her and be there for her and be kind and sweet to her. i promise to squeeze her hands. i promise to not get angry. i promise to not be cruel. i promise to listen and cry with her. i promise to not shut down. i promise to not put up my walls. i promise. i promise. i promise. 

please. don't. let. him. die.