20

Tomorrow is my birthday and every time someone mentions it my eyes well up with tears and i have no idea why. the thoughts in my head confuse me and i feel myself changing. literally it feels as though my skin is moving, constantly. my mind is racing to find peace and happiness. i am aching to smile. something inside me is screaming 24/7 and it is exhausting me. my body is begging me to get help and my heart is yearning to talk but my mouth remains shut. i haven't felt this numb in a long time and i thought i was doing so well. i can't even smile how pathetic is that. if i could get in my car and just drive to whoever fucking knows where, i would. if i had all the money in the world i would buy myself luxury and wouldn't feel the least bit selfish. i want nothing but normal and it scares me that that will never happen for me. i feel so useless and wasteful and just incomplete. my heart knows that something is missing but i can't figure it out. messages are being sent throughout my veins, telling me something, but everyday i think i have it figured out my mind changes. sometimes i feel so in tune lately, when the breeze will blow and i get a chill down the back of my neck and i feel as though i've got this whole life under control. i'll take a drag of smoke and close my eyes and feel weightless. i'll sit soaking in the tub in scorching hot water with music playing and i feel so sensual. i'll wake up energized and feel as though it will be a good day and then it's not. the question of why shit has to change will forever be imprinted in my brain. nothing is good enough for me. i feel so incredibly alone in a room full of my very best friends. nobody can see underneath my wall, not a single soul. people used to, but not anymore. those people are gone, vanished. they have exited my life without turning back and i barely remember what they feel like. i barely remember what anything feels like. my days are numb and my heart is cold and to be honest i don't fucking care. i just want balance. i just want love. i need to be kissed and adored and i need someone to sleep next to me. i need to hear someone's breathing. i need someone to watch me when i sleep and feel at ease. the way i used to be is aching to come alive again but i know i'm not ready right now. i need to be good to somebody, for them and for myself. i need to try and i need to feel and i need to make somebody laugh. love laugh. i want soft kisses on my chest and back. i want soft grazes of touch on my forearm up to my shoulders and back again. i want love sweet and tender yet more passionate than anything i have ever been able to feel. i want someone to look at me again and really fucking look at me. i want to slow down. i want warmth under a blanket with comfort in my heart and a beautiful boy by my side. i want serenity. i want companionship and guidance and everything i've ever needed to say with just a look from an eye. i want someone to watch me and want me with every ounce of them it makes them shift. i want to be not what i am today. i want new. i want to be what i know i can be. i will be. someday. i am loveable i promise.