the smell of candles really can change your mood, as can turning the fan on and shutting the lights off. it's funny how one day you can feel one thing and 24 hours later it's gone. i was feeling really, strangely positive about two days ago. i meditated with candles and i think it put me in a good mood for the entire next day. i felt rejuvenated and clean and healthy. today, i felt sick and groggy and unstable. i just find it so interesting how that can happen. i've cried everyday for the last two weeks. hard tears. but today i heard my mom cry even harder and it hurt my heart in a way i can't even begin to explain. i had so much anger towards her and i built up all of these sentences that i was stubbornly ready to spit out at her, but when i heard her sobbing on the other end of the line i shut the fuck up. i yelled at first and i was mean. but then once she started to cry like that, all i could do was tell her it was okay and that she didn't need to be sorry. i just want to fast forward to like, idk a month from now. my biggest fear is that my face won't be better on my birthday which is in 14 days. i can't even imagine not being able to take pictures with my best friends on the day i turn 20. This year is the first year i won't be with my mom on my birthday and she is so heartbroken over it, as am i. I also wont be there to see Jake turn 4 which really hurts. So many things in my life just seem sad right now. really, really sad.
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