mama

I need this back.
I need my mom.
I dream about her every time i close my eyes.
I long to talk to her, to laugh with her, to curse with her, to fuck shit up with her, anything.
Its been almost two weeks without my mom and she isn't getting any better.
She's resilient, like me, and extremely stubborn.
I need her smile in her voice as she talks to me
I dont think ive smiled since i last talked to her when she was healthy.
I can't feel anything without her, i refuse to live without her and i have come to find out that its physically impossible. Our hearts have grown so close that when she's not here, i'm not here. When she's not okay, neither am i. I worry beyond worry about her and i'm scared for her. for my baby brothers. I'm scared of being the oldest, and the closest thing my mom has. There's so much pressure on me because i literally am the closest thing to my mother that has ever lived. i need her back and i need her back now. i need her to help me make decisions that i have stupidly shoved in my back pocket for so long now that are, as i was warned, coming to the surface again. today, i cried in my pillow like a baby. i cried for my mom.