poison and wine

My mom is sick. yet again.
I'm scared that when she gets better that I won't be able to forgive her. I'm scared that she will want to talk about it and I won't. I haven't spoken to her in over four days. That's the longest i've gone without talking to my mom in twenty years. I'm scared that I will have to re-live this over and over and over again for the rest of my life. The anger i have towards her scares me. The words i am able to spit at her scare me. All i want to do is hold her. I'm scared that she will forever be scarred and that no one will be able to make her truly happy again, at least the way my dad and stepdad could. I don't exactly know what it's like to lose a lover to death or divorce but i do know what it's like to lose them to a messy high school whirlwind-like breakup. I know i am not even close to half of my mother's age but sometimes i feel so much stronger than her. Sometimes i feel like if i could just get inside her brain and her heart that i could fix her. God i wish i could fix her. I wish with all my might that i could repair every crack in her with my bare hands. I'd give her my cracks in exchange for hers. I'd rather feel the pain that she feels. I don't want my mom to ever shed a tear ever again unless it is of happiness and joy. I am so much more sad than anybody knows. I wish for my stepfather back every second of every day. Not a single, solitary day goes by that I don't wish for my mom to have Bruce back. I always thought that i would wish for tony back for the rest of my life, that everyday i would wake up wanting him as i used to for two long years. But i don't anymore. I don't even remember his face anymore.

If my mom could have Bruce back i think my life would be a thousand percent different than it is now. If he never died i think i, myself, would be a thousand times different. My world has changed in a way i never could have imagined. Most days i treasure that change. But weeks like this, where old wounds are re-visited and cans of warn out worms are yet again opened, i loathe it. Some days and incidents can bring me back to a horrible place that I have worked my ass off to come out of. A dark place that holds many of my most unkind memories i think i will ever experience. I work so hard, everyday, to be okay. And the funny thing is, the people that i see everyday would have no fucking idea. I guess it's in my blood to be an actress.

I got distracted, more later.