this place.

I don't feel here. I remember times when everything that happened to me knocked me out with feeling. I remember times i wasn't able to get over the smallest thing that happened to me. Everything was a big deal. Everything was dramatic. Now, nothing matters enough. Something huge will happen to me and i feel it, i'm affected by it and then the next day its done. gone.

All the stress that has been running through my veins about my mom has caused me to break out in a rash and for the left side of my face to become partially paralyzed. I'm on medication but it hurts. I can't smile and maybe that's a good thing tonight.

I have a pain in my ear and endless tears in my eyes and my body is tired. I miss my mom so much. I realized today that it is not only emotionally but physically impossible for me to go a day without speaking to her. She is my energy. She is my light. I long to talk to her and hear her voice and make her laugh and i can't. The woman who can never shut up can't even create a sentence right now and that kills me. I know the hospital is going to make her better, fix her up and send her home, but this is the first time that i'm not there. I woke up this morning feeling sick and strangely connected to her. It's like since i can't communicate with her, my body is making me sick so that i can go through this pain with her. She is alone, and I am alone. No matter what happens we are always together and always connected.

i want someone to hold me.

i want someone to hurt because of me.

i want someone to not be able to eat because of me.

i want someone to go insane because of me.

i feel so incredibly lonely, but for some reason... i feel as though this loneliness will soon end. i keep having these weird thoughts and revelations that i'm about to become extremely happy. i'm not sure why or in what way but i just feel like its the times where you are at rock bottom, i mean complete kick you in your shit dug deep down rock bottom, when something beautiful is about to happen to you. something you can't explain or even prepare for. the only way out is up and i believe that something brilliant is about to happen to me.