different streets.

Oh Juliet, when we made love you used to cry
Used to swear like the stars above
Well, you'd love me till the day that we died
Well, there's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?
"Romeo and Juliet" - Edwin Mccain

I always wonder how people can claim to promise to love somebody until the day they die. Don't get me wrong, those words were once concrete in my mind, and i said them often. But now that that flame has burned out, i wonder. I wonder if that is possible. We are designed to crave a love that even time will lie down and be still for. We are designed to always want more. More passion, more kissing, more sex, more surprises, more presents, more time, more lenience, more more more. So how is it possible to promise to love one person for the rest of your life. I have a long road ahead of me, and those words are so easy to say. they're words. I try to take myself back to the time in my life where i honestly believed those words. I said and received them, and they felt good. They felt real. But they weren't. I never expected this life, this consequence. Actually, delete that word, i'd choose this life over my old mindset any day of the week. How naive, how young i was, inside and out. I now laugh, which i never thought i would be able to do. The temperature of that bathroom floor felt absolute, my mother begging me to get up and move on. and i couldn't. the wails that poured out of my mouth, the tears from my eyes, never ending. how can i not remember that? did i block it out? did i just get over it? it's silly to me. it is such a distant memory, fading more and more each day. It is so, far away.

Lately, i have learned the meaning of a true friend. I have been exposed to what is false, what shouldn't be. My universe has felt off track when it comes to friendships. I have seen things i would never be physically able to do. I have realized that i would go above and beyond for just about anybody, yet i can only name one hand's worth of people who would reciprocate. If even that many. That, too, is funny to me. Am i just made to be that way? Are my chemicals made to be selfless and so giving that it hurts me? Id take the pain if it would leave you. I would. I'd suffer for you and i would deal with it because i can take it. I have taken it. And i pushed through it, and will again. I can literally feel the layer of skin that has settled over my past and it's thick as fuck. It's new and wonderful and it's smart. I have felt the warmth of friendship too don't get me wrong. I have felt the birth of smiles when you came back home. The reassurance, the laughs and the love. The amount of value i have in that. The true interest i had in hearing you ramble about nothing, how i couldn't listen to anything else in the world but your voice. How it made me realize how much i need certain people in my life to survive. I need the comfort of them, the people that they are, in my atmosphere. The faith that there are genuine people in this life. that i'm never alone.

I've done some things lately that i'm not proud of, however, i don't regret them as much as i thought i would. I feel as though they were destined to happen. I've thought that for a while now, getting to know certain people and the way they are. And i know you feel the same way. You are a dead end road of possibility that lead us to where we are. And now i feel stopped, forbidden and wrong. Yet at the same time, i feel reassured and hopeful. Hopeful that maybe, what i believe in my heart, has the ability to in fact be true. That i'm not crazy, that you aren't either. That maybe there is something like a person you probably should be with, meant to be with. Maybe, just maybe, there is a certain kind of forever that is real. That maybe, adding fuel to the fire doesn't always have to be in a bad way. Maybe it's a way of seeing things brighter, clearer. When a fire grows bigger, so does the color of the flame. the brightness increases. darkness fades along with the shadows in the room. that has to mean something right? or is that yet another oxymoron that life provides just to drive you nuts? Hm. all we can do is wait. and i will sit here, and wait, and endlessly wonder. and i feel you do the same.