forgiveness

This scent upon my hands so strongly smells of your skin.

After the long and scorching hot showers we would take.

tasting the soap on our spines as our fingers ran through damp strands of hair.

i miss that taste. or maybe i just miss being able to taste it, the ability and knowledge of a love i never understood yet would give my life for. i miss the certainty that i could drive to your house after a long night and know you would come outside just to kiss me goodnight, and hold me in your arms for what seemed like hours. i miss the anticipation between ringing bells when i knew you would turn the corner and smile at me like i was the only important thing in your universe. i miss the comfort of the jealous stares we would receive, as we walked hand in hand around our city. i miss the warmth of sleeping next to you, our bodies both completely naked, with nothing to hide. no insecurities. no thought of time. as if we would lie there forever, making love as the days passed. i miss the swelling of my lips from you swallowing me in kisses every chance you had. i miss the chills i'd get from your hands on me, touching all of me as if my body never ended. i miss the random words just because you were thinking of me, i miss the dinner dates and the late nights in your car. i miss the laughs, the inside jokes only we knew and never bothered even trying to explain. i miss our families believing in our love. i miss myself believing in love. i miss the fingertips, the embraces from behind, the movies we watched, the songs we related to, the feelings we felt. your head on my chest as if it were cemented there, belonged there, and would stay there forever. i miss the passion in your eyes as you watched me perform, every time i danced, without fail. the beaming from your eyes as you watched me move. the excitement you would experience as i caught your eye across the room. i even miss the abuse. the nasty words you chose to speak of me, to me, about me. i miss the screams on the other line as you told me what i did wrong, which was almost everything. i miss the ignorance and stubbornness you possess. i miss the dirty looks from your friends. i miss the tears i cried, i cried a river if not more. i miss the shoves, the strength in your fists as i watched you clench them in anger. the bulge of your arms as you emphasized that anger. i haven't felt passion like that since. almost two years now. i don't know what my life would be like if you had never found out, but it would probably be a complete and utter opposite from the life i'm living now. and have been living for the past year since we spoke. since we touched. since we yelled. since we cried. god knows it's felt like centuries. i couldn't tell you a single thing about you anymore and neither could you about me. sometimes, at night, i catch my mind wandering to the place that you are. after a tumultuous four years i can honestly say i wish you happiness. i wish you peace. and i wish you love. true love. like we used to feel. like i will always feel for you. i tell our story with pain and hurt yet when i speak of how it affected me i can only smile. i can only remember the good times, and how they have transformed me. even the bad times, have made me who i am today. especially the bad times. because of you, i now know exactly the kind of man i want to be with. and exactly the kind of woman i want to be to him. it is nothing like you and i were. it is a love filled with wonder and hope and kind words along with precious moments. it is a love that grows and gives, not takes and hides. it is a love that is never ending, and accepting, something you never were. it is being woken up by romance and going to bed with it as well. it is tears of joy in the emergency room as i give birth to my first child. it is strongly held hands through times of sorrow and loving every piece that i hold. it is not running away when times get hard, it is not shoving me away. it is not leaving me for some dumb bitch who you then cheated on me with months later. it is not fuck you and it is not you're a bitch. it is i love you, my darling, you are everything to me. it is, you complete me and without you i wouldn't be me. it is, how have i gone so long without having you, i need you for the rest of time. it is, i want all of you always, i want you to be my wife. i want you by my side. in my four corners. for eternity.

at this point in time, i can solemnly say that i do not miss you.

i do not miss anything about you.

i miss feelings that I myself felt. that I learned from. that I believed. that I encountered with my heart and my body and my soul.

but not you.

i miss nothing of the person that you are.

fuck you, for stealing my belief of what i know is possible for so long.

you have caused me more pain that you will ever know.

and i am the strongest that i have ever been

since the day you shut me out.

i have never looked back, if not for a moment to remember a part of me that will always be gone. you have taken a piece of me that i will never be able to get back. but someone else will be able to fill that void with the most concrete of love. and you will be buried, forever, until i am asked about my very first love again. but by then, you will be a faded and forgotten memory. i hope i only know of your name.